I wake up every day and my first thought has remained ‘is she alive today?’ for years.
I thought it the first time she disappeared and it hasn’t gone away since.
The tough decisions that I’ve made were the right ones, but that doesn’t mean they don’t wear on me.
I couldn’t live in an addiction I don’t have anymore. I will never live in my home with fear again. I’ll never walk into my living room and have to perform CPR while calling 911. Or find bottles or needles hidden in bedrooms. I’ll never sit and stare at an empty bed with tears falling down my face. I’ll never fear the drunken rage will wake innocent children from their peaceful sleep.
Not in my home. Not ever again.
But don’t think this choice didn’t tear my heart into pieces. It still does two years later.
As parents of loved ones in addiction, we are handcuffed to living grief. We are bound to a truth we can’t escape- addiction can be fatal. It paces through our mind in the morning, during the day, and long into the night.
We have to make decisions we fear will be triggers; but we aren’t responsible for anyone’s trigger. These points of inner turmoil are traps set by a broken mind. A mind that needs help. We can’t fear our boundaries as possible triggers, otherwise they will fail. And we will once again live in their addiction.
I sway through my sadness. It’s a gentle dance of reality, emotion, and longing. Some days, my choices haunt me. Other days, I feel free.
It makes no sense, but is the story of my personal recovery following their addiction.
I hurt alone but I’ll be okay.
selfcare #faith #treatment #addiction #sobriety #hope #recovery #detox #love #selflove #mindset #wellness #motivation
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