Let’s talk body changes! I’m stunned by how fast it happened. I blinked and saw things that required a second glance. “What happened here, Lord?” Good grief, who is that in the mirror?
My hair started graying at an early age, so dying it became normal. I had children young, and with it came proof. Your skin stretches like silly putty but never returns to the little ball that fits into the plastic egg again. Well, not for most of us. Those women who never look like they carried a watermelon baffle me. You go, girl!
It wasn’t the changes of motherhood that affected me most. What came at me was something I never saw coming.
Stress.
Just when you think you’ve figured it out, it slowly ravages you from the inside out—the ghost of dysfunctional past and present. Before you know it, you’re fighting more than saggy skin and extra weight.
Activated stress is a beast. It feels like a giant shark we can’t escape. The suffocation ravages the mind, and you barely have time to notice. Prolonged exposure to cortisol and adrenaline during the fight-or-flight response ignites severe reactions throughout our system. By the time we stop and take a breath, everything has changed.
One of the first problems I faced due to stress was increased blood pressure. It climbed for years. The constant fear I lived with, due to addiction, never shut off. The warning sign flashed, but I couldn’t stop. I fought so hard, but lost every step of the way. Worry consumed me.
When you wake daily, and the first question you ask is, “Are they dead or alive?” You slowly begin to bury yourself. My cardiologist eventually agreed that there’s no way to stop this stress.
“Take these pills, get exercise, do deep breathing, and come back in three months.”
Three months later, a gentle walk on a treadmill, and more tests landed me with the same answer: take these pills, come back in six months, a year; but always, come back.
I took the pills. First blood pressure meds, then cholesterol medication. The weight gain that followed only increased my stress. They say the meds don’t make you gain weight. I wasn’t stuffing my face with Little Debbies and ice cream. The only change was the medication.
I can’t do this merry-go-round of pharmaceutical joy any longer. Every day, I see stacked commercials trying to sell you a pill. I think if they could give us a daily pill for everything, they would. These industries have collaborated to create a cycle of desperation among humanity.
“Eat our fast food, frozen meals, and sugary goodness. We have supersized everything! Our friends over there will then pump you full of pills to fix the consequence of your eating pleasure. After our food champions your weight gain, we’ll either give you a shot to lose it, belt your belly, or cut the stubborn fat out! Whatever it is, pills or surgery, we’ve got you covered. One last thing, everything we do may cause suicidal thoughts and depression!”
Where and when did we lose our senses?
Now, a year and a half later, I sit with the weight gain and very little loss. Even though I use calorie deficit, walk, swim, and even exercise in my living room. I lost ten pounds and gained back three. Yet my husband did a 30-day diet change and lost most of the weight he had gained after 30!
The differences are unfair, to say the least. Yes, I’m happy for him, but it’s frustrating and sad for me.
The reality is, we cannot detox ourselves back into what we once were. I’ll never be that petite 23-year-old again. I don’t think, laugh, or dream the same. Even if my body lost all this weight it stubbornly holds on to, I’ve changed.
I’m a bit weathered. The storms of life tossed me around. I learned to protect myself with a layer of toughness that’s hard to crack. My smile disappeared, but it shows itself now and then. The weight doesn’t mean much to me, but being unfamiliar with myself does.
I’ve spent the last two years reconciling with God.
It sounds silly, I know. Our relationship became strained when I could no longer make heads or tails of the tales of my life. As addiction assaulted my mind, the unintentional consequence was seclusion. I felt so distant from the world around me, including those I loved, that I pulled further into myself. As I lost sight of God in the mess, I was internally bankrupt and outright empty. So, when I pulled back, I found a dark, vacant hole of the person I once was.
I’ll be honest, I had no idea I’d gone so far. Looking back, the reflection I didn’t recognize was only a small detail in a larger period of conviction and repentance. In the deepest secrets of my heart, there was one truth. I was angry with God. Painfully let down when things didn’t change in addiction, my trust wavered.
The quiet shutdown over the last several months served as medicine and healing for my soul. I stopped taking all their pills, though I started taking some vitamins and minerals. The weight gain ceased, though it’s taking a long time to go away. I monitor spikes and stay aware of my limitations.
My blood pressure sits within normal range, and I still fight inflammation and pain with weather changes and mysterious other reasons. Crackling sounds upon sudden movements are now a normal part of my day.
We need warning signals that flash, “Body at rest; prepare to sound off upon rising.”
None of the physical changes affected me like the spiral of mental clarity. I moved so fast between knowing and confusion, sadness and joy, acceptance and denial that we can add whiplash to my long list of ailments. The unknown is a scary place to be. I spent a long time there, and I never want to return.
God knows why I hit retreat. He knows our need to know and our reaction when we don’t. Look at Eve. Tempted with false wisdom, she threw her hands up at consequence and moved in her will. She believed the lies, saw what looked pleasing to the eye, and took the bait. Her perfect life, ruined by the devil’s scheme and her sin.
I don’t know what Eve was chasing when she turned her back on God, but I was chasing justification. I wanted to be right. I wanted my will to be the will, and I wanted God to make that happen.
My chase wasn’t about selfish ambition; it was life or death. However, even when it’s life or death, God waits for you to choose. Eve’s will would change humanity forever. My sinful arrogance to be right, however well-intentioned, is still sin. I do not exist to be right, to know all things, to impose my will on others. I exist to glorify God. So fearful of the unknown in addiction, I stopped doing what He purposed me to do.
We don’t get to make that call, friends. We can’t force others. It feels like a sentence missing half of its point. But that’s it: we can’t force others.
Not in what they think, not to believe what we believe, not to do what we would do.
We are powerless because, in God’s amazing and perfect creation of man, He endowed man with a mind and free will. We will always be in the unknown of what exists inside another. It took me a long time to grasp that on a life-or-death scale. What seems like common sense and obvious agreement is often subjective and open to debate.
I’ve learned that the consequence of death isn’t a driving force to live, which explains those motorcycles going 120 mph between cars on a highway. Or, the sport enthusiast who free-solo climbs the highest mountains. The person who drinks and drives, or shoots up one more time. Satan convinced Eve she’d surely not die, and he does the same with people still today. Different, but the same concept.
Aging in my body sucks. But growing wiser as I age is a true gift. It has taken a lifetime of challenges and obstacles to see past myself and seek God, who knows. This world, fed by Satan, feeds us turmoil, destruction, and leaves us longing.
He who meets us when we retreat, who loves us in our weakest moments, and carries us through the deepest and darkest waters, is the one we must gravitate to. We won’t find answers any other way. Every other answer comes from the world and the one who longs to kill, steal, and destroy.
My reflection tells many stories. Some good, some bad. I am still looking deep and learning about the woman behind the bigger clothes and tired eyes. I will continue my weight-loss journey as I praise God for all I’ve gained. Maybe one day, I will look at that scale and be shocked and amazed. For now, I look at the scale and keep laughing. See, I found my laughter again! You will too.
Lisa @ Authentic Truths 