My Stories Go Unread, but Life Goes On

Years ago, I sat staring at a blank screen, wanting nothing more than to write. So in awe of God’s presence in my life, I was overwhelmed by the desire to share it with the world. So far, the world has yet to know of God’s providence and our deep connection. Yet, I stay the course, even if only for an audience of one. Me. Okay, two. God reads this blog, so He counts, as well.

Maybe, in all the hype, I was the one who needed to see, hear, and read of the greatness of the Almighty. Twenty years of writing, often venting, about the nonsense that overstimulated my senses and took me down roads I never thought I’d walk. Along the way, the powerful existence of God in the midst of every battle, every failure, and every loss. My writing is a reminder of all He’s done, and I’m the one who needs reminding, more than anyone.

What if, in God’s perfect and secretive way, He challenged me to write every piece of my heart (well, almost every piece) so that I can look back to see Him there.

That’s been the question of my life and the fight in our relationship. “Where are you, God?” It’s a wrestling match I usually lose.

“I am always here,” he says, through my screaming and kicking moments of rage. God tolerates my anger. I pray it away, but it never leaves me, and neither does He. Which seems odd to me, because how does peace and anger both reside in one human soul? I can’t answer that, but I can assure you it does.

Why are you angry, you ask. That is a long list. It spans my lifetime and can be spelled out on my blog, which very few read.

Reflecting I ask, “What in the world led me, in 2014, to create a website?” Honestly, there is no answer. They asked me back then, and I said, “I don’t know.” I could use it to inspire others, but the others who need it probably never hear or read a word. I could use it to market myself as a speaker and writer, but I don’t really do that.

In all these years, I write because what’s on my heart needs to be released. Sharing myself on a screen is safe. Also, I can’t be interrupted here. No one else gets to say a word! Insert mischievous grin here.

I matter. My words, even if no other human ever reads them, always matter. There is significance and purpose in this comfort and truth. What I share draws me closer to God and helps me see what the world wants me to ignore.

God has met me in my writing for years. Willing to listen to every joy, sadness, disappointment, success, failure, and pain. Many pieces I share drip with the blood of a broken heart. Most syllables reflect a mad mind confused by the selfish and lost decisions of others. It’s not only family addiction that I cover, but it’s also my childhood survival, my journey to meeting Jesus, and the valiant victory over depression, anxiety, and even mania.

But there is so much more to me than a victim-filled love story. By that, I mean the unconditional, reliable, honest, and eternal love story between God and me.

For the first time in years, I see myself as something more than the everyday labels. Don’t get me wrong, I love my life. I love being a wife, daughter, mother, nana, and all the things that come with it. And yes, they’ve all defined me at one time or another in profound ways. While my life is full of all of the above, there’s a purpose and plan that’s higher than it all.

We evolve through time. I am no longer the person I was as a young teenage mother. I’m no longer the person I was a year ago! Time, combined with my effort to surrender, along with God’s grace and mercy, has healed all wounds. Some say that’s not possible. I suggest revisiting the definition of surrender.

It took a trying act of self-abandonment to resolve the internal conflicts. God tells me all day long how loved and healed I am, through Christ Jesus. His healing included self-reflection, confession, and repentance. It required accepting what my momma heart didn’t want to accept. Healing required letting go of things I thought I’d hold forever, including my control. God’s recovery plan was perfect, though I worried it was never enough for this mind and heart. Torn between His truth and my worldly perception, I stalled His work in me. I had to lay it all down, and that is surrender and rejuvenation!

Today is a new day. I don’t necessarily feel new. My body has aged. Wrinkles tell their own story of life. Dying my hair and going to the bathroom at 3:00 am are competing for a medal. The gift of aging seems to be lacking. That’s not the rejuvenation I’m referring to.

The new day isn’t about the creaks and cracks of this vessel. I long for more than youthful energy and overdue, probably deserved, redos. My greatest desires often seem behind me, but that’s only because I spent so much time looking back. Or, being held back by repetitive thoughts and wasted time.

The truth is so much of life is still ahead, even if it’s only one more day. In a single moment, a person can feel the greatest pleasure, happiness, or thrill of their life. It can happen at 15, 35, or 90. Age doesn’t come with a stop sign. We don’t stop experiencing the joys of living just because our entire life moves towards dying.

The reality remains that at every age, life is happening, and dying is inevitable. Acceptance is freedom.

No one is going to read your stories as you do! They will never experience your emotions or joy. They’ll never fully comprehend your agony. The point is to live as if you’ll never be interrupted. Live in the truth that you matter, that life is not behind you. I choose to focus ahead. One, it’s much easier on my neck after surgery, turning to look back is a struggle; and two, everything back there is passed- it’s the past.

We can’t change what’s no longer active and movable. It’s set and written in stone. We don’t have to forget, though there are many moments I wouldn’t mind forgetting. But you must turn the key to life, and live.

If you parked at the stop sign for a while, forgive yourself, put it in gear, and hit the gas. It’s time to go.

I hope you’ll come back again as I visit all the places that exist- whether we like it or not! This is Lisa, wishing you a great day and fewer bathroom trips at 3:00 am!

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