First is really last.
Then, she guessed my age, "What are you, almost 40?" (Bless her little heart!) "Well, a bit past 40." "Oh, then, it's time. Isn't it fun. Once you hit 40, things go downhill."
I no longer fear the deep. When life viciously tosses me in, I swim for Jesus. He died for me and my eternal life with him. From the moment we met, I have practiced my technique.
Surrender is healing; in ways we often never expect.
I don't want to be this person. This early aging woman. I don't know how to change this trajectory, or how to embrace it.
You don't know me.
You only see what
I give you to see.
The internal quiet,
The other me.
The slow unpacking of a broken soul. Where the beat of a heart doesn't indicate life, but a life undone. When hopelessness is no longer a thought or feeling, but a destination.
A brilliant man helped me understand the importance of looking back recently. It is when we see God's deliverance from our painful past, we can embrace him in our present.
I worked through the mystery of saying goodbye years ago. Those were difficult days. I was lost in the differences between my two roles-mom to kids and mom to adults. I'm no longer confused.
I find solace knowing many out there diagnosed with a mental illness understand what I mean. You are fighting the same battles and waiting for your miracle. We cry out in unison for relief, maybe just a break from the constant stress.