Wrestling with fear stole my peace; for that, I hold many regrets. Is it possible to fear and still trust? According to this verse, we trust in God and will not fear. One depends on the other.
When mental illness meets addiction, death happens.
My struggle in anxiety is the complete loss of control. I can work my thoughts in depression and mania, but anxiety has proven to take the upper hand in the past.
How do we love those who not only appear unlovable in their mess but also hate us in it, as well? I had dodged fists and verbal attacks, put up bail money (only once), picked up my grand-kids from a ravaged house with a passed out mom, and cleaned out more hidden empty bottles than I can count. Still, the pain I felt when the handcuffs went on killed me. The hopelessness was burning through my soul the way Satan enjoys.
I have long been on the fence regarding support networks. I attended some that only brought me down, and others with so little accountability, you can't rely on their process as support. I appreciate the current group I am meeting with as we are using a specific workbook written for mental health.
I follow a few social media style support networks for Christians with depression, and it baffles me that in 2020 we still hear the misguided answer that the devil is living in us through this mental illness. Allow me to correct this with calm words on a screen, as in person, it may get heated.
Sitting at work like, "Was I even here in December. When did the sun come back? What just happened to 2019, was I even in it?"
From far away, things look regular and routine. However, up close, you see the jagged edges and broken pieces of a shattered soul. When I step into myself, I face a stranger.
The world's vision of bipolar or other mental illnesses, is narrow and incomplete. My prayer is that one day the stigma will evaporate and truth will prevail.
What caused a happy, beaming mother to be to decide to use one last time? I will never know. Perhaps the thought of it being the last time never entered her mind.
Does it ever?