I am a strong woman. My feelings are often put on the back burner, or turned off completely. Few things ‘hurt’ my soul anymore. Some days I wonder if I am numb, other days I completely surrender to God, and that brings me overwhelming peace, even over my feelings. I wish that was every day. I wish it was today.
I’ve been going through this mid-life junk for a few years now. Hormones have changed, so did my desires. A total loss of interest if you get my drift. Difficult subject I know, it may be easier that I am alone over here, and you are over there. For lack of eye contact, I can be my authentic self in this one-sided discussion, without blushing or being shy. I probably could do this face to face as well, but who knows.
I am on my phone writing this, so I won’t be using editing. Auto- correct may get offended, and I may swipe faster than my eyes can keep up. But I needed to vent.. So here goes.
There it is. For years I have been the other woman. It was brought into my marriage, and it has remained the entire 22 years. I stopped fighting years ago, I resigned to the fact that I was the other woman in a lustful situation. It isn’t Christian, Godly, or even healthy in godless relationships.
It tears me apart. I constantly carry this weight of not being good enough, pretty enough, sexy enough, or desirable. Those were my thoughts prior to menopause! Add in menopause, and the weight gain, the changing body parts, the fatigue, health changes, overall lack of motivation toward functioning, including sex, and we have a feelings crisis in the making.
I’m not sitting here crying, or angry, but I feel something. There it was, like a ghost. These girls look younger to me, or I’m getting older I suppose. Disappointed comes to mind, along with empty. I recently began returning to my old self in this area, getting the stir, and now I wonder, “why bother”. If it’s pleasurable to look at younger, perkier, prettier girls, then why even bother? I will never be those girls, I’m not sure I ever was!
You know, while this puts strain on my physical appearance and acceptance of self, I am blessed. Inside is this voice telling me,
“You are enough! You are beautiful! Have you seen your heart? Have you watched yourself interact with those around you? Have you measured the immeasurable love you share with your family, friends, and strangers? You are enough!”
Can I make that work? Can I listen to the voice of encouragement and love and walk in my worth? Can I leave this in God’s hand and move on without getting what I deserve as a wife? Am I willing to accept the flirting, and affection, and intimacy knowing I remain the other woman? Because that is what I am setting myself up to do.
We met in December 1996. I was baptized December 1997. We married June 1998. I had already had a raging meltdown about porn, with the screaming and all, before we even got married. I knew. I knew before I became the woman that I was the other woman. He does that, but I did this.
I know I am not alone. There are women who understand and men who don’t. There are couples who have worked through, and many, just like me, sitting in the shadows feeling isolated and not enough.
I will deal with this, again. I am getting better at not collapsing in a sniffling, heap of poor-me on the bathroom floor. I no longer wonder what I did wrong. I’d be questioning the past 20+ years of my life! Does it mean anything to be so light about this? Am I over it?
Maybe I accept that I am only responsible for me and my actions, and my response to how others treat me. I accept the challenge to love even when I don’t feel love. Like it or not, if you are consumed with staring at other female bodies, I question the completeness of your love, not only for me, but for God.
God told us to watch out for lust. He knew what it would do to our mind and heart. Just like we choose to not murder, we must be disciplined to not choose another man or woman, in any capacity (even on a screen). Who matters most? In my life, it is God. My Almighty Father comes before everything and anyone. My commitment to Him carries me through, including when I am the other woman in his life. It is what it is.
I do however enjoy being the daughter of a King.
That is what it is, too!