Last night I did something I promised myself I wouldn’t do. I jumped on here in an emotional state and posted. I thought it would always be a problem to lay it out there with things a bit raw and tempered, however, I think I am grateful for the space and freedom to share my authentic trials. Life is never perfect, no matter what we see people share on social media. I hope my readers know I vow to be transparent and authentic in anything I share on here.
Last nights post, I Am the Other Woman, was a personal look into what is amounting to be a lifetime battle. I fight my demons of self hate like others, and this particular issue (porn) gets them screaming in my head. I fall prey to the negative thought patterns of not being enough. In years past, I sat and stewed in those hot false truths. This is 2019, and I am not the same person I was then. I have grown and gained insight and wisdom into my mind, and my heart for that matter.
I was able to quickly turn a painful situation into self-reflection rather than self-annihilation. I worked through a few feelings and realized they do not control anything, and rather than focus on who I’m not for him, I was boldly focused on who I am to God. This process was a game changer. It is typical that when others hurt us, we sit for hours, days, even weeks trying to dissect where ‘we went wrong’ and question ‘what’s wrong with me’. I did this for years, so I know that rhythm well. In the past I wanted to answer the question of why I was never good enough. I no longer ask that question. I know who I am, and I am ‘good’ enough and loved by Jesus, not because of anything I do, but because that is how true love rolls.
That is the unconditional and faithful love of a Savior. We are good enough just because we are breathing. We are created by a God who desires for us to desire Him. In all our mess and human nature we are good enough to walk into relationship with the God of the universe and be loved. When I am experiencing the world, God is calling me to experience him. Often times, time in my chaos is deeper than my boring and calm days. God sees what we endure, he knows what we need, and the comfort we require to get through.
God provides. That is the bottom line. I needed some protection in personal ways, and it was there. I required space to be open and direct, He gave it to me. I needed to feel peace in an unpeaceful situation, He poured it on me. The practice of taking control of my thoughts quickly reigned in my feelings, and brought me to a place of conversation with God instead of a battlefield in my mind.