The overwhelming source of 'sin' being laid on me by Satan himself was a sham. He used my compassion, empathy, and sorrow against me. The devil wanted me to soak in the loss of His game. He was happy watching me suffer for something I did not do. Even my anger became his play toy. Justifying it just as he did depression, sadness, remorse, and every other emotion and feeling I used to batter my soul.
Within addiction, I grasp the realness of a complex problem. Outside of addiction, in the every day hurt of drinking enough to hurt those around you, I am lost.
I get it now. Life is a constant flow of energy. We breathe in God's love, and we pass it on to others. The endless waterfall is fueled by Him and not by us.
We fight anxiety from within. As a believer, that means Jesus is already there.
Then, she guessed my age, "What are you, almost 40?" (Bless her little heart!)
"Well, a bit past 40."
"Oh, then, it's time. Isn't it fun. Once you hit 40, things go downhill."
I remember walking into the church for the first time with a sense that I didn't belong there. My life was a mess, I was a single mother of two, near destitute, mentally broken, unstable, and a sinner beyond sinners.
Am I willing to accept the flirting, and affection, and intimacy knowing I remain the other woman? Because that is what I am setting myself up to do.
Will you choose to see it?
I am a strong woman, I was stronger than ever in a trance like state, but I couldn't bare the weakness and fear any longer.