It has been almost 20 years since I needed counseling, medication, or even accountability. At peace with bipolar, I managed my ups and downs with ease. Even the spikes of all spikes were overcome and short lived.
Today, I return to counseling.
Filled with mixed emotions, I mostly feel sad. The year was long for all, but we dealt with some unfathomable stuff. In December, our son’s girlfriend died by overdose, taking their unborn child with her. Then, in February, I found my daughter unresponsive, and performing CPR is something I will never forget.
She lived, but asked me why I didn’t let her die.
Then came severe illness for me, double pneumonia, then came Covid, and the devastating lockdowns that had a negative impact. My daughter completed an incarceration period, got out and fell apart again. What transpired since August is a tragic story of substance use and loss.
Through all this, I could hear a gentle ticking reminder that it is too much. My mind was overcome by negative thoughts and piercing pain. I tried to be the strong warrior for all, in fact my words were still fierce and meaningful. Unfortunately, the auto pilot mechanism of helping others, never applied to me.
I feel tension this morning. My whole body is tight. I am using lavender in my bath, and practicing the deep breathing techniques I learned all those years ago.
The frustration that outside forces can bring me to this place is palpable. I feel the blazing heat within. Angry with myself for allowing this, I choose to tackle it head on. How did anyone get power over me? Is my faith so weak that I would let go of me? I have more questions than I do answers right now, but I refuse to give up. I am a warrior, I don’t intend to relinquish my armor now.
Life is heavy. For believers, the Bible is clear about this. We were never meant to carry the heavy burden alone. Jesus was so adamant, he referenced the yoke used to tether two oxen. Together, they pull and combine their strength to get the work done. The Holy Spirit lives within those who believe and invite it in. When Jesus commands that we trust in him and yoke up, we have all the power we need. He tethers with the Holy Spirit, the Comforter of our soul, to carry us through.
It is my spirit that wrestles now. I see it, feel it, and know it. Alone, I’ve been unable to expel the vicious evil. I choose to fight. It may take everything in me, but when I come to my end, Jesus begins. His love will see this through.