..”I allowed myself to die before I am dead.”.. This is the raw truth of being done. Finding yourself at a place of hopelessness and fighting for the will to carry on.
I know the doubt, fear, and frustration in managing the symptoms of bipolar. If I prayed long and hard enough, I thought I would be healed, cured, and labeled a miracle. So far, that has not happened. I am still balancing bipolar, but with a new understanding of my mind.
Each year the World Health Association states that 800,000 people die by suicide. That is one person every 40 minutes- one person who felt alone, hopeless, unable, incapable, and done. My heart breaks for those who reach a space of emptiness.
Planting the Word of God in our hearts forecasts what will be and ultimately changes our lives, for what is in our heart will be in our mind. Reading, knowing, and applying the truth of God to every part of our being is a recipe for greatness and godliness in a fallen world.
I tried to be the strong warrior for all, in fact my words were still fierce and meaningful. Unfortunately, the auto pilot mechanism of helping others, never applied to me.
I want to go home, get out, be done, leave this world. It holds nothing for me. The world has been a pain in my ass from the get go.
Through the storm..We can find peace.
You see, the beauty of earth was constant and never hurt me. It wrapped me in a warm embrace and welcomed me with a power beyond men.
Addiction is a battle we fight within though it is outwardly instigated. As a mother I question everything I say, think, feel, and do because someone out there thinks, says, feels, and does whatever they please.
My year was not consumed by Covid, it was consumed by jail, drugs, alcohol, and mental decline- not of me, but of those around me. Internalizing their issues has been my downfall, and I still don't know how to overcome the battle.