I realize I have walked in a trance like state for months now. Literally months. I went through the motions like any good, strong woman will do. And I am strong. I have been strong my entire life. And when I couldn’t be strong, Jesus came into my life to be strong for me. That’s the love I’ve been blessed with. The promise I’ve been given.
The problem with a trance like state is eventually you wake up. You wake up and you wipe the eye boogers away. You stretch tired limbs. You yawn and take in a deep breath. Waking up sometimes takes awhile. It requires adjustment to the light. Waking up means you also wake up your voice. Yes, you still have a voice.
I feel more awake today than I have in a very long time. I accomplished an important task today. The apples finished their dental treatment. My poor grandbabies had a few fillings to be done. Here I am satisfied that I woke up and took care of that for them. It was never anything major, but it was something a woman in a trance like state couldn’t accomplish.
This is what it means to take one day at a time. To take each moment at a time. I am a strong woman, I was stronger than ever in a trance like state, but I couldn’t bare the weakness and fear any longer. I could hide there. I could march ahead looking tough and determined. Yet, I only felt sad and beaten. The mask of strength never stays tied on forever. In fact, usually you are the only one who sees you wearing it. It is transparent. Those around you can see right through.
I am awake now. Little by little my voice is rising. I am who I am. The light is not so overwhelming any longer. I feel limber and my eyes are clear of the sleepiness once left behind.
I have no idea how long this awakening will last, but I know to own every moment in it. This is the victory. Self awareness, self acceptance, and self understanding- these are points that matter today.
It is not selfish to know ones self.