Addiction Sucks-Searching for the Confident Me.

I would love to say it has only been days, or weeks, or months, but the reality is it has been years.

I did not start womanhood confident. The ongoing abuse of my childhood marked me as a broken woman. I left my childhood and my adolescence in a state of brokenness, and it continued as the years rolled past. Yet, while I was not confident, I was strong. I was perhaps stronger than I ever realized.

I survived. I left the monster, the demon, of those years behind, eventually. I was never confident he wouldn’t reappear. I was not confident the nightmares would end, or the troubling thoughts that plague survivors would cease. I was not confident I could be good at anything. I was not confident I was beautiful, smart, or able. I was only confident in one thing- that from that point on I would try. I would choose to try to live.

I entered adulthood as a mother, became a wife, became a stepmother, a grandparent. I finished high school early, finished college with a perfect GPA, moved up from one position to another. I learned I love to volunteer, I love to write, I love to enjoy nature, and I love to travel. In all this, I was holding on to my personal promise- to try.

Here I sit in 2019, looking back at 2016, 2017, and 2018- and I feel sad. I attempt to try. I try to understand, to help, to encourage, to pray, to love through the chaos. Addiction has changed me, and I have never had an addiction. It changes the one addicted and it changes all those scarred by the brutal thrashing it delivers. Addiction changes lives, every single innocent life in the vicinity.  

On this day, I have no use for the word confident for this world. However, I remain confident in this; He began this work in me, and will see it through to completion. I am confident in my eternity and my salvation. I am confident in a love that never bends, never forgets, will never let go. I have no confidence in things of this world- but in Jesus, I remain confident.

I invite you to visit the website of Kate Motaung for full details and rules (well the one rule). http://katemotaung.com/five-minute-friday/

All are welcome and invited to take part in joining women around the world for Five Minute Friday! You will be given a prompt word, then simply take five minutes of your day to write a heartfelt, authentic message (no need to edit) using that word!

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