Their Addiction~My Journey: What Did I Do Wrong?

I’ve seen the struggle throughout the addiction cycle- I’ve LIVED IT MYSELF!

You scour through every memory, overthink every decision, remember the early signs you dismissed, consider what you did or didn’t do, and ask a million times,

“What did I do wrong?”

Your loved one chooses sobriety and begins a program. With a solid start to the sobriety journey, people work through the steps or use another program. They may even reach the point of accountability. You feel relief. It wasn’t anything you did! Their openness in discussing how this began opens your eyes and mind. You discover it has nothing to do with you. Their apology means something. They appreciate you again!

You sigh a moment in relief. Sleep becomes your friend after months of ignoring you. You begin to live your life cautiously but living!

One day, you hear the voice that addiction speaks. You don’t want to anger them, so you don’t ask. Then, behaviors you hoped never to see again begin to emerge. Like a snake, they slither back into your world. You know, with every beat of your breaking heart, it’s back.

And you ask, “What did I do wrong?”

Their hard work collapses around them. You watch your loved one pick up where they left off. This time, it’s not just alcohol or just pot. Meth, crack, cocaine, fentanyl, and some other pills are part of the story now.

You beg them to get help. Watching everything they had disappear-families, children, homes, jobs, health- you plead through your sorrow and fears.

“Please get into treatment! I’ll drive you, I’ll be there through it all.”

They refuse. You beg more. They refuse over and over. So, you stop begging. You watch them self-destruct. (Again)
Jail, prison, detox, release. They go missing, found, trap house after trap house, motels, bridges, train stations, and cars.

You send food when they ask. You pay for rooms.
But then you see the insanity in your efforts.
You do those things to remind them of your love. However, they just want to be comfortable in their addiction. You feel guilty for their consequences, so you provide. The idea of shelters, food banks, food stamps, and other resources seems to disappear.

Then, you don’t hear from your precious loved one for months.
Writing endless letters to their long-forgotten Facebook account, you tell them every day you love them, and you are praying. Reminding them of their worth and deserving freedom from this beast, you hit send. Countless letters go unread. You end each one in tears and ask, “What did I do wrong?”

You feel abandoned and alone. Your family doesn’t live in the desert of addiction where you place yourself. Your friends are tired of the same talk. They preach what you must do when they never stepped in this life. It’s a lonely place to be. You remain thirsty for healing and hold tight to a thread of hope.

Years pass. You’ve watched them come and go in this addiction journey. You’ve enjoyed moments of recovery, but they are few. The chaos never ends. You wonder how long and far this can go. The trapdoor of every bottom swallows them whole.

You can lose yourself by asking, “What did I do wrong?” You will evaporate chasing addiction further into itself. You alone have no power to eradicate chronic substance use from your loved one’s life. The control lies with them.

Thousands and thousands are walking in freedom today because they chose to move in with the concept of recovery. They didn’t call it cozy, but they gave it a go. In small motions, they worked each moment to change one thought, then two, and then form a healthy relationship with their mind. Coping without using took time. Feeling again took courage. Facing the unknown required one step, one breath, one decision.

Just as you won’t get to take credit for their recovery, you don’t get to take blame for their addiction.

Stop asking what you did wrong. As a parent, we all did something wrong. There are no perfect parents! I say it again-

THERE ARE NO PERFECT PARENTS!

There is only one perfect love- Jesus! (And we aren’t him!)

You are free to leave the toxic habit behind. Addiction uses your question to keep you stagnant in its path. As long as we keep asking, our regret and guilt will feed the beast.

You’ve got this, friend!