I was only confident in one thing- that from that point on I would try. I would choose to try to live.
Steady proof I’ve Come so far. After the pain, the suffering, the healing, I Remain. I endure. I survive. Scarred. ..and whether seen or unseen. They are here. Whether visible or hidden Whether carved on skin or carved in mind. They’ve left me changed, Changed internal, Changed in life. The memory of their preceding pain, …
This is the truth. I have Bipolar disorder, I have lived with this for most of life. The childhood abuse I endured did one heck of a number on my brain and chemistry, changing forever what could have probably been a normal mind. Once I hit adulthood and a manic episode ended in the worst …
As an abused child, I stayed locked behind the bars my abuser erected for the keeping. I held on tight to those bars in hopes they would protect me. Their true purpose was to contain me. The darkness I felt then, I feel now.
In the search for my positive side, the word ‘better’ feels like a good place to start. For years, I have been chasing better-better health, better walk with God, better communication, and above all, a better situation for my daughter. That last one, it is breaking my heart and tearing me in pieces that are …
This past summer I stopped in a very dark alley of my life. I stopped, and I kneeled. I took a very long and deep breath. I am still exhaling today. For the love of myself, the me that I want to be, it was a necessary step to take.
The topic of mental health is a difficult one, especially in the Christian community. I strongly believe Christians fully accept mental health as an essential dialogue within the church. They have lovingly wanted to embrace the difficulties of such topics as depression, suicide, bipolar, anxiety, and the many other ailments under the umbrella of mental health illnesses.
With each breath I’m taking in.
Anchored by invisible weights
Chains rattle, and tears fall.
The crowd has gathered,
I see each face..
But see nothing here at all.
Invincible will never describe me. I am not super human, or super strong, or super anything. I am Lisa- humble, quiet, reserved, and meek. This world can be intimidating and scary even. Filled with fierce determination and absolute faith, this world remains small in the presence of my God.
I am learning the difference of being the one in peril versus being the family member on the outside looking in- powerless, exhausted, speechless, and scared. Picture me tapping my fingernails against the windowpane of a room I cannot enter, tears pouring down my cheeks, and fear capturing every breath I take.