88 days. That is how long it took me to come back and write in my ‘journal’.
Here was the last couple of paragraphs I wrote..
… “I am struggling in the battle to stay positive and hopeful. I feel the whirlwind of conflict circling around inside. I am sitting peaceful in the calm seas for now, but I remain wrestling in this- I feel nothing. It is a different emptiness. This is not hopelessness, it is hopeful healing, sitting stagnant. Perhaps floating in the vast nothingness for a short time will give me time to reflect, discern, and simply listen.
I want to keep writing, but confessing seems to have shut down my inspiration. I tell people who are fighting through life struggles to take one day at a time, nothing more, nothing less. Therefore, for today, this is it. My words are few, but speak mightily to my own soul and well-being.
I am fine with this. In fact, I embrace it.” ..Bipolar Journal, #20
Apparently, 88 days ago I knew exactly where I was in that moment of life. It was January 22, and I was coming up from a very deep place in depression. I was multiple things- tired, confused, hurt, but mostly I was recovering. I sat recovering from sets of circumstances that knocked me off my balance, and laughed as I took a free fall into the dark caverns of defeat. That piece of depression pisses me off- the laughter I hear as I crash. I hate that laughter, so the comeback is typically my game.
It took a few months, as you can see. I am still here. In fact, the me I am today is better than the broken I was then. I rose with intentional slow progress. I digested one piece at a time, so to not overdo it and run straight into mania. I worked through one thought, one disappointment, and feeling one day at a time. Had I rushed, I am positive anger would interject. No one would fault me for the anger, it is a completely understandable emotion. Anger leads to selfishness, and the last thing I need is an all about me attitude. Pride is a fools mask- I am not about that.
Today is April 19. I feel the light within shining once again. I have forgiven where forgiveness was necessary. I have settled the nerves and anxiety by focusing outward rather than inward. I have chosen to live in gratitude- there is always something to be grateful for.
This is who I choose to be, who I want to be every day. I know the future is unknown. I am content in living in today. I also know that I am a woman with bipolar disorder, and this is my life. I cannot change the fact that imbalances make things complicated, but I can ensure that I never give up fighting to balance. It may not be easy, but I am strong enough for this. I am the one laughing now.