I’m sitting in a salon chair, waiting for the color to be mixed for my highlights, and taking a quiet minute to consider this week. Every day at the church was a Monday. We all know what that means. Chaos, hectic schedule, deadlines, website confusion, and a non-stop flow of people with questions. The thing about my job is I go from no human contact to human contact overload quickly.
Typically I am a pro at handling such circumstances without a sign I may be stressing. This week, however, I had an additional stressor- my employers bank mixed up my account number and my direct deposit for payroll never came through. As I slowly discovered this (which was a God thing really) I began to feel panic and heat in my chest. I began speaking a hundred miles per hour, and the sight of my bank account caused some anxiety.
I had to step back and calm myself down. There is no insta-calm medication, there is only me, my mind, and my breathing. Just as I sit at my desk and do what only I am there to do, I must sit in my own being and do what I am here to do. It took me hours to fully come down, but it happened.
It is comforting to know that I can do this. When life strikes hard, and fast, I’ve got this. Who knew that I would find my way back to this place of ability. I was convinced that dark home I was resting in a few months back would turn into a final residence.
I know someone out there is feeling very imprisoned in their own dark place. As we are tangled with the emotions and wrestle with the physical pains of anxiety, depression, or what it is keeping you there, we can’t see the light. It is impossible at times simply because our struggle overwhelms. I was overwhelmed for a time. I freely admit this, and for the record, I have no shame. It is what it is. When I allow myself to speak the truth out loud there is freedom from shame. I am free to digest the circumstances slowly, and intentionally focus on how to take each step forward. Being overwhelmed is temporary. I am not destined to live there forever, even when my thoughts betray me and I convince myself otherwise.
I never thought I could sit in a salon chair, getting all foiled up, and write, simultaneously. Today, this chair feels like a throne. On this day, in this week, I am the queen of my mind. I have come a long way this year. If the only people who know how far are right here in the world where I am safe to share, then so be it.
Something tells me, many will understand.