The years have passed by like a foggy morning. Blurred by the endless motions of addiction, visibility has been low. I steady myself through each day with the pressure to maintain my purpose- raising grandkids. Though my vision is often blurred by a decade of anguish, I force myself to squint and keep my focus on what’s ahead.
This life is not for the weak. You learn to manage life with the most profound sadness you can imagine. Watching someone live in suicidal choices every day is frightening. I will never forget walking into my living room to find my daughter unresponsive. I tried CPR until the first responders arrived, to no avail. I will never forget the chilling words, “There’s no time.” And he picked her up in his arms and gently carried her to the ambulance.
I will never forget being at the hospital that day as she woke up. She looked at me with half-opened angry eyes and asked, “Why didn’t you just let me die?” At that moment, something changed, and I realized I had to let go. Her words broke something in me that nothing could repair.
Living with a loved one in addiction is consuming. You won’t forget the violent outbursts. The terrifying image of your kid slumped over and passed out from shooting up, or binge drinking stays forever. All the days you worried if they were alive in the next room haunt you. Still, you keep going. You create a safe space to live and compartmentalize the tragedies for safety.
I won’t forget the feeling of telling my kids no more. “My home is no longer an option.” It feels so wrong to say ‘enough.’ I carry a heavy burden.
Then, I remember my grandkids, who deserve peace, comfort, and a home they love. We may never forget the bad memories, but we can now create new ones. We laugh, snuggle, and enjoy every inch of a space made to be safe and loving. My eyes see for miles into their future with hope for the best. We choose to live free from the fog of uncertainty. We decide to pray together. God is still in charge, and we still believe!
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