I don’t know.
Traveling the journey of addiction as a mother is a calling I fear. You tell me not to fear. In this, I fail. How do we step back from everything we know as a parent? This letting go has nothing to do with spreading wings and watching them fly. There are no tears of joy, or hope for a bright future.
Hope exists that their future includes survival.
I don’t know how to feel anymore. Those in addiction say they want to be numb. Well Lord, I join them in that place. I am numb to my pain and anger. Despair runs deep through my body. Poke and prod at my soul, I won’t feel a thing. While I embrace freedom and joy in You, the world wages war within me. How do I exist within these two realms? I do not know.
My spirit is weary. I close my eyes and feel the tension of being two in one. Though I fight in full armor, the force of the world is pushing on me. Breathing becomes voluntary between every breath.
Hold me, Lord. Steady my feet, strengthen me. Fill me with impenetrable resolve and faith. Carry me through the dark road. Shine your light into the darkness that envelopes my loved one. Show them the way with your glorious illumination. Free them from the enemy, Lord.
I hear you. I hear you tell me, “They are free.”
And I know.
I know freedom is but a choice to be free. Leaving the black caverns of sinful living for the lighted world of grace. Your forgiveness is not hidden from a single soul. Your mercy is not reserved for the found, but for the lost. Your love is the life raft of all humanity.
If we cry out, you will hear our heart. Whether silent or by the shrill scream of brokenness- You hear your children. You know their name and every hair upon our head. You perfected the rhythm of every heart beat from the beginning.
I place myself into your hands. I am tired, Father. The position of identifying the unknown within the known has worn me down. But in You, I am relieved. I am yoked up, and rest under a lighter load. I trust you, Lord. You tether me to you for the sake of relieving my burden. I am grateful for your love. I submit my will to You.
Lead me, Heavenly Father. May I know your presence far more than I know this world.
In Jesus Name, Amen.
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