Just Another Mother’s Day
It was a wild start to this day. Migraine, combined with a screaming three years old, doesn’t mix. Her joy is contagious, and I love watching her play with her big brother and sister. They are incredible with her.
This day is meant for moms of all kinds, being celebrated and encouraged. I’m not a big gift person. My gifts come with positive choices, changed behavior, and forward motion. Two of my boys were out-of-town (good for them!), my daughter is serving time, leaving me with one kid at home and three grands. I was sad to not have everyone here for dinner and laughter, but this is our temporary normal.
After my delicious smoked brisket and salmon, I chose to hide away in a jacuzzi. There on the counter was the sweetest and most tender mamas day note.
“..you’re the glue..” It read.
Words like selfless and genuine filtered to my heart.
I beamed with joy, then began to cry—happy tears for a hurting heart.
Less Than Perfect
My own social media post remarked about my successes and failures. I wanted to express to other mommas that I am confident in admitting them both. I did some things right, and own that I did some things wrong. There is no perfect mom out there. You will never convince me there is. There is only love.
It is that love that shelters our children through tiny tears and grown heartbreak. That love can look them in the face and be honest and sincere. We open our hearts at a positive pregnancy test, and they never let go.
In the drug and alcohol mess, I can be one thing- constant. My affection spills over, and even in angry rants, I end with devoted motherly love. I know those around me do not understand. They do not need to grasp my efforts or hope; they are not living this life. I may not bail anyone out, or pay anyone’s bills, but I am there with this unrelenting, unconditional love.
I watch as parents (usually mothers) try to be that fantastic ball of perfection for their children. There are no perfect people here. You will experience ups and downs, highs, and lows, but you will continue to press and nudge for the rest of your life.
Imperfections teach you, and you will grow and shock yourself. Wisdom is not found in parenting books but exists in the corners and crevices of your mind. It is the heart that never learns the lessons; it beats and forever gives itself away. The excruciating hurt numbs but never releases.
In treading the murky waters of parenthood, I am weary. I have no magic wand to erase the past. I have an unrelenting power of hope toward the future. The haze of years in the slow lane has slowed my pace. That whole ‘three steps forward, ten steps back’ scenario is ruthless. Still, with the grace and compassion God gave me, I trudge along.
We Can Do This
I want parents fighting in this arena to know I am here. The late-night calls for rescue, the drunken rage, physical beatings, screaming, lying, tears, rehabs, and hospital visits for suicide-I know. I get you on a deep and vulnerable level. Together, we kneel, bow, scream, cry, laugh, and collapse on a heap of pain or gratitude.
We are mighty in number (unfortunately), and we know every pain the other faces.
Yet, at the end of every exclamation is one note –
“No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.” Romans 8:37
Perhaps next year, this day will look a little different. Maybe all my children will be here, and we will honor our relationship with joy and loving laughter. I remain hopeful, and I will always will.