Bipolar Life-The Journal #67-Anxiety, Day One

Anxiety, I didn’t miss you.

It’s almost midnight. I am sad to share anxiety has steam-rolled back into my life (and heart). I woke up with a full attack at 10 pm, and my chest is finally beginning not to hurt.

This is the truth and transparency. Life is close to flipping upside down when I care full-time for my grandkids, again, and the stress is at a level 10, so I’m not surprised, but it sucks. I played this game with anxiety a couple years ago, and I didn’t care much for the game.

Back to treating anxiety. Deep breathing, meditation, and trying all those natural remedies. Last time through this condition, my body shut down, and I collapsed entering urgent care-my blood pressure in a blacked-out state was 225/110 (it should have plummeted), my glucose was off the charts, and nothing made sense to the docs. Basically, I involuntarily physically reacted to stress. A concern they believe will now follow me my entire life.

Battling for the peace in my mind.

My struggle in anxiety is the complete loss of control. I can work my thoughts in depression and mania, but anxiety has proven to take the upper hand in the past. My inability to accept and breathe through attacks increases the severity. The tightness in my chest increases as my tension elevates. As I struggle to breathe, panic sets in.

I thought I conquered anxiety, but as long as stress builds, it will return. I wish I could control the pressure, but what I deal with is out of my hands. I know I need to surrender and find comfort in joy in some part of the current situation, but it is not easy.

When we think we know ourselves and our strengths, we are humbled. I know I cannot do this on my own. Today, my strength is admitting I am weak and ready to rely on the Lord in more significant ways. I believe in the power of Jesus Christ and invite the Holy Spirit to guide me through the coming months.