As I unravel the last six months of my life, I hold back emotions. The rough assessment leaves me tired. However, analyzing the highs and lows makes me smile. I flex my emotional muscle and tell myself, “Girl, you are tough!”
If you don’t usually follow this blog, you wouldn’t know our stories of pain through addiction and domestic abuse. It is news to you to hear of the devastating loss of a grandchild and his mother when she chose one last high. You may not be aware of my once near-empty home now being filled with life and laughs of grandchildren and children moving home. You aren’t aware of the joy of sobriety, the strengths of recovery, and the hope of the future through it all.
In all my shared words, I admit how much I hold back. My hurts, frustrations, sadness. I shared my depression but held back more than I put out. I touched lightly on the disconnect in my marriage. What about me? How would I describe the impact on myself? It is the earthquake that never stopped shaking. I shook and rattled, sometimes losing my balance. I stood up, just to be shocked again.
Life happens to us all. I admit I pouted more than I should. As a non-crier, I cried a few times. I begged God to end this cycle, and we fought in the canyons of hopelessness. He won.
God sent angels, even when I couldn’t see them. He filled my mind with His word when I resented reading. He sang revival into my brokenness, reviving my song to Him. The presence of my Lord in the center of my life lifted me from depression. I gave up, but He never gave up on me.
That is life in all phases and for all time. Thank you, Jesus, for saving me. Not once, or twice, but always.
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