I have spent years doing more than holding it together. Walking the line of depression, I walk myself out every time. I press into my faith, eat well, exercise in small ways my body can physically handle, and self talk my way toward positive thinking and believing. I am a firm believer that if we change our thoughts, we change our life.
This is a routine I mastered years ago. Even through deep stress, daily aggravation, and everyday chaos hitting me from the outside, I managed this bipolar and tendencies like a pro. (After 31 years with this disorder, I AM a pro.)
Then came 2019. A child in a domestic abuse crisis, addiction crisis, legal crisis, mental health crisis, and you get the picture. I watch her mental health battles, and my heart hurts. I could never do the medication; she can’t function without them. Her depression hangs on her like a molded dress. And my heart aches. Her anger heats up, and I watch the transition from depression to mania come with ease and power.
I realize how far I’ve come, but it pulls me in. I feel every emotion, every feeling, and I see the racing thoughts as though they simultaneously race in my mind, too. And my heart aches.
How do we stay disconnected in a situation we are deeply related to? I want to fix every trouble, calm every anxiety, stop every tear. If I could do those things, I would. I wish I could end the rapid cycling between up and down, high and low, engaged, and disengaged. But I can’t.
As I sit here, helpless, I see darkness. I cry out for the light, because even on my worst day, I remain consumed by His light. Where did it go? Have we been abandoned? I ran circles around my questions, but after a few days, my mind collapsed with exhaustion. I am chasing answered prayers from long ago.
The light is here, but a dark world blinded me. I kept running toward the black hole, wanting to help. Had I turned around, the light would have rained down on us both. It was always there, as it has always been.
Today, I turned around. I see Him and the brilliance of his everlasting grace. The weight of the burden lifted from my soul. The yoke is no longer between her and I, but is held by Christ alone. I am on one side, and she, if willing, has space on the other. I can’t force her to enter this union or trust an unknown relationship. I know God. I talk to the Lord, and I recognize the presence of the Holy Spirit. It took time and patience. Surrender became a daily task.
Satan longs to pull me in. His world of hopelessness calls to me and uses any situation to tear me down. I won’t be keeping that company.
I choose Christ. In the agony of being powerless, He will deliver me. I choose freedom, love, and light. He will comfort my weary heart and bandage the brokenness in my mind. He wraps me in consolation and tends to my spirit.
That is the company I must keep.
So, Lord bind my enemies tonight, turn back the demons deployed for destruction, and wrap this home in a hedge of protection. Guide me, Lord, with your light, and hold me in your arms. I trust You.
In Jesus Name, Amen.