The roller coaster of life trials leaves me nauseous. Tonight, I admit I am tired. Exhausted from one issue after another, medical obstacles, surgeries, and internal emotional disputes. Fed up with constant stress, I wish I could smack the ground and scream, “Uncle!”
However, there is no tapping out or giving up. Around me are the people of my heart. I have a husband, kids, and grandkids. Their love keeps me going when I wish to fly that white towel. Yes, they contribute to this mental funk with their personal choices, but it’s my choice to come alongside and carry the burden with them. Whether it is the worry of job changes, legal issues, or relocation and a new baby on the way, I try to be present. My thoughts never wander far from them.
I feel fully drained. I stand for my mental health and that of my child. There have been suicidal thoughts and actions, addiction, anger, and depression. I’ve been loved and hated, lifted, and broken. I work to be the resource I can be, but often feel a failure.
On this night, I am done. I leave myself in the hands of God. Tomorrow, when the sun rises, so will my energy, motivation, ambition, and faith. My distinct ability to carry-on should be trademarked as an art form. As each night passes in the depth of insomnia and a couple of hours of sleep, it is only by the power of Christ inside me that I wake up and shuffle through another day.
Though drained, I remain full of the Spirit. Today with a short fuse, I felt the Holy Spirit nudge my heart. I heard the faint whisper of a gentle voice say, “It’s okay. I am here. Let it go.”
So, this is my truth.
God knows me so intimately, that He will come down in my mental illness ravaged day, and speak to a mind that is done. Done fighting, thinking, and pouring into others, and remind me to stop. My God is so caring that he chose a moment in my day to tell me he’s here.
Whether I want to or not, the Spirit forces me to refocus and turn my negative thoughts back onto my positive Redeemer. I will fail time and again, but wrapped in this comforter of peace, I walk in His victory. Overwhelmed by His goodness, I keep going.
There is no mystery for those who believe. We are blessed. Blessed on the days we feel overwhelmed by good, and on the days of overwhelming bad. I walk in bold, yet humble, surrender to my God who has my back in every part of life.
This is the art of being done. Admitting my weakness and allowing God to carry me through. We never really get to ‘be done.’ Life goes on, accepting it and working toward tomorrow is all we can do.
The sun will rise, and the moon will appear. This is a blink in time, and I promise myself to remember that. No matter how hard, God makes all things rise to their place or fall into the shadows. That is our gift when we keep Him in his place.
I am grateful for His promises. In this world, I will have many trials. But I stay mentally at rest, for Jesus has overcome the world.