Bipolar Life- The Journal #44

Carry On Faithful One

I pulled back a bit this last week. I found myself evaluating this crazy life, and knew I needed a break. To pause when I felt so on fire is hard. I’ve disciplined myself over the years to be proactive in my mental health.

My sleep was close to insomnia. The tension in my neck and shoulders became unbearable. I focused with such intensity, and I lost focus on living. As I look back, I can’t remember September. I mentally flew through the month. For some people, we call it busyness. In my case, it is mania.

With little attention to the details of life, running on no sleep, and keeping pace with some invisible super-entity, I crashed. My mind is like the final seconds of a washing machine spin cycle. It’s tumbling, and taking forever to come to a complete stop. I’m staring, waiting patiently for the lid to unlock and the buzzer to sound.

This is the reality of bipolar. The high is way up there, and the low is way down there. Both a world apart and so opposite you wonder how it is the same person. The calm is still present because that part of me is Jesus. I dodged worry and fear. (which almost frightens me). I do not feel anything, except tired.

As my mind begins this period of healing and slows down to a normal rhythm, I give thanks. There was a time when mania had a far worse impact. It was easy to recognize by my behavior, spending habits, and a lost sense of decency. I can handle this manic episode. God has prepared me in advance. He works that way.

As I carry on, I hope to feel normal again someday. This road has been rough. Maybe I hope to experience normal. I know it exists, but it seems to elude me. The moment I think I achieve normal, the abnormal strikes again. There has to be more. A quiet and positive routine sounds perfect.

I am not sure what the world has in store, but I know one day God will call those shots. That day will be a great day.

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