I have never skied. Yes, it is true. I am a Colorado native and never placed those sticks on my feet, took a tram ride to the top of a mountain, and slid off into white powder and down a slope. I have no intention of skiing. Is this a fear issue? Possibly. In my case, it is a control issue. The idea of gliding down a mountain without the use of my feet and toes turns me off. Moreover, I am not a fan of the white stuff.
We are descending into fall. Many family and friends love this season. For me, fall carries the oddity of stress with it. Like the certainty of the rising sun, for years fall holds a consistent record for throwing a pile of life at me. Unlike the fall leaves, I am not interested in jumping in with full abandon. The wreckless will of those around me buried me in years past. This year, things have changed.
I have walked in a zombie-like state for some time. I lost track of myself within the clutter of parenthood and every day living. Hurt into complete submission by the actions of others I declared time-out. For the first time in a long time, I made myself the focus of my intentions. It sounds selfish, I know. However, if I don’t look after me, who will?
I am a woman entering mid-life with confidence and grace. Accomplishing this as a woman with bipolar is a true success story. Over the last year, I have sorted through the baggage. Are you aware of the amount of unnecessary junk we carry for years? I took a personal inventory and decided to unload. If I want to maintain my sanity, and live the second half of life free, then I must choose to let it go.
As a Christian woman, the concept of letting go is crucial. Christ died a brutal death for me. His death gives me eternal life and freedom in the world I live in today. To carry those bags forward is saying His death did not accomplish it all. How do I live in hope if I am bogged down in my past, pain, or doubt? Impossible to do, this is when depression, hopelessness, shame, guilt, or anger sustains an internal hold.
Life keeps coming at me with daggers. Dancing in the shadows alone has become easier, as I am lighter than ever. I invited Christ back in after realizing I kicked him out (in some areas). The effort I put into trying to do so much on my own was exhausting. He never wanted to be left behind. Jesus died to open the relationship to live within.
I may never ski, but I promise to strap Jesus deep into my heart, slide comfortably on the lift, and plunge from the top of any mountain. I trust Jesus. I’m free from the illusion of control. In Him, I move in the confidence and grace of a loved woman of God. A year ago, I appeared frantic and unsure. You won’t find me there again. My time has come, I am free to live. No one will take that away.