Bipolar Life-Peace and Bipolar Disorder

I feel it, the flowing tranquility of peace. It washes over every part of me like a fresh rain. This internal mechanism amazes me. This world is still handing me a lashing, but here I sit, peaceful. Gone is the anxiety that forced my heart into rhythms of the unknown. Gone is the echoing of negativity and distrust. I may still experience fatigue, but the guilt has vanished. Things have changed from a few months ago. The part that intrigues me is there is still so much uncertainty, and chaos. My road, littered with unknowns, still has the blind curve ahead. Yet, here I sit, balanced and subdued.

Jesus is filling the spaces of my being. I failed him this past year. While I believed, and talked with Him, there was no trust in our relationship. I am probably being hard on myself. There was some trust, but consistent, confident trust disappeared. As the dominoes collapsed, so did my faith in the outcome. From one event after another, the load was more than I could bear. I managed to talk myself out of the relationship we share, because after all, this world was speaking louder than my God.

After months of heartache and inner turmoil, the flame began to glow again; starting small, it continues to grow today. It leaves me humble, determined, grateful, and even in tears.

I wonder, “Is this how the journey goes for everyone?”

Are we all an event away from being lost in emotion, feelings, and pain? Am I the only one who struggles to stay afloat in faith when hit by one force after another? I know bipolar complicates life with the constant movement of chemicals in my brain, which causes the severe highs and lows in my mental health. I am left questioning myself when these changes happen and I falter.

Jesus said in John 16:33, In the world you will have tribulation.”

People often skip this part of the verse and go straight to the good news: But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

The truth is we will have trials. We will feel beat up by a world that does everything opposite of what our God desires for us. Jesus knew this and experienced it to the greatest degree anyone ever has. As my pastor said this Sunday, “We have had decades of this prosperity preaching, that when it didn’t happen, and people were not instantly healed, or rich, or their life was perfect, they began leaving the church.” His words encouraged me to dig in and digest what he was saying. It is true. People seem to be impatient and unwilling to trust God. I am one of them at times. Luckily, I may turn away in trust for a short period, but I always turn back.

“I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

John 16:33 ESV

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