On May 11, 2018, I shared an incredibly difficult and blessed moment on here (Journal #8). I had taken my granddaughter on vacation, and as we were at the airport to return home and with one phone call, life changed.
During our stay at the beach, I happened to grab this picture of the sunrise. I walked alone that morning and prayed for tension and issues back home, and God delivered this to me, what I considered the sight of angels coming to escort me through the year. It has been just over a year now, and I can confirm that is exactly what it was.
We have dealt with so much during this time, and I feel sad looking back. Mental health, addiction, suicide attempts, hospitalizations, court, guardianship, it felt like an explosion in my world. I learned to care for children full time again, including school schedules and extra-curricular activities, homework, chores, and discipline. Our rhythm probably looked insane from the outside, but we came together to figure it out. Some weeks I was so exhausted, I went through the days on autopilot not remembering a thing by the end of the week. Between moving through the reality and staying ahead of my negative thoughts, life was challenging. Finding balance was tricky. Honestly, balance probably didn’t exist half the time.
This world leaves me longing most days..longing for Jesus. He held this broken soul, wiped my tears, and encouraged me often. In the darkest days, He was a beautiful light of hope. I found the courage to let go and surrender along the way. Surrender meant I had to release my fear and rest in the unknown. It proved to be my greatest battle. Stubborn, I planted my feet deep in the soil of anger and bitterness and refused to move. God’s shovel proved to be stronger than my rebellious ways, and He lovingly dug me out each time.
Jesus loves me. He loved me through my emotions, feelings, and pain. People think when we push away from God, he backs up and lets us go. This is not true. When we push way, God anchors himself in the very deepest places of our heart and our mind. There, he dishes out small pieces of himself of exactly what we need. He may let us run rampant in our mess, but He never releases us completely. It is a perfect love in our imperfect lives, and it sustains those who believe.
That’s all it takes, believe and accept Jesus Christ, who died on a cross for one purpose, to bring us home with Him.