I am sitting here fighting with the Dish satellite hook-up in my basement. We did some remodeling upstairs, disconnecting the main box, and now it will not work. I have hit reset about five times which amounted to my TV shutting down, as if to say, give up and go to bed. I probably should have done that about 20 minutes ago. I refuse to stop turning everything on and off and resetting, and running up and down the stairs from one box to the other. I refuse to lose.
The ‘losing’ part, it made me stop and sit, and consider what losing is. Filled with a sense of loss when it comes to life, I find myself determined to win at these small battles. Yesterday it was accounting at work and a simple $10 discrepancy, and half my day. I desire so badly to feel accomplished in something, that I keep finding myself obsessed by trivial things such as a cable box.
A couple months ago, I met with a young woman to discuss producing a short documentary for me to bring awareness to mental health and the battles we face. With a focus on successful women who have overcome to fulfil their dreams, calling, purpose, what have you, we were both excited to take on this project. She was getting married, so we decided to wait until after her wedding and honeymoon, and then move forward with the project. I anxiously waited, followed up to check on dates and times, then never heard back. I have felt somewhat beat up having not heard back from the young lady.
When my husband asked me this past weekend when we would be filming, I had to share the news that apparently she blew me off. Much like most of my life seems to go, another roadblock, another let down, another dream pushed to the back burner. I do not feel sorry for myself; however, I do feel this sort of thing falls within the realm of my normal.
Still, I press on. I refuse to give up, I refuse to quit, and I refuse to lose. Even if the lesson is something very personal and internal, such as, pray without ceasing. I accept the lesson, the discipline, and the disappointment if it means I keep growing in ways I had not even known I needed to grow. One word in the Bible repeatedly shouts at me, and the repetitive reminder requires us to both be active and to stop and listen, all in one word: perseverance- doing something despite difficulty and delay in achieving success.
My heart is one of perseverance. My faith gets me through. My God is always there.
“By perseverance the snail reached the ark.” Charles Spurgeon
Until my final breath, I will ask the Lord to lead me in the exact purpose He perfected in advance for me. I will choose the path set before me. I can wait patiently. If it is forever in the background, then it is in the background I will live for Him. There is no bigger dream than to one day look back and know what I did, was always for the Lord. Whether under a spotlight or somewhere in the shadows, I pray I never lose focus of the why and for whom. In the end, that is what will matter.
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