Today was awful.
I knew before it started it would not be a good day. I dealt with anxiety all night knowing what was coming. I got word that my daughter has had a bad few days, and I wanted to reach out. My heart hurts, and my mind is exhausted. In the past I have felt guilty for my feelings, thinking none of this has anything to do with me, but it does, and I am entitled to these feelings. I know that now.
Our conversation involved me staying calm while she progressed in anger. I know it is common for the person to get angry when confronted about the addiction, but it does not make it any easier to know anything is common. It just makes me sadder as we deal with different parts of this. Addiction sucks, so does the anxiety I am now feeling because of it.
We come along side those we love with this strong desire to help in some way. Everyone tells me often,
“There is nothing you can do.”
I wish it were that easy. Maybe it is for others, but for me, it is by far the most difficult thing I have lived through. I know there is nothing I can do when my beautiful, talented, loving daughter has passed out drunk. I know there is nothing I can to heal her mind and move past her pain. I know there is nothing I can do to stop her from walking into a liquor store to buy her bottle of choice. I know there is nothing I can do to ease her pain, her fears, her doubts, her worries.
Here I sit powerless, unable to do anything to stop the freight train coming.
In this situation, I know I do not have many options, but there are a few things I can do. I sit and pray for conviction, for recovery and for communication. I pray there is some small way I can be a support without being an enabler. I can check in. I can make sure she knows I love her through it all, the binge drinking, the vomiting from the binge drinking, the anger that comes out when the alcohol takes control. I love HER, I do not condone the behavior or the choices, but I will love her with my entire being.
I can have hope for better days ahead, for healthier days ahead. I can be there in certain capacities when it is in the best interest of all involved.
I do not have answers my mind constantly craves. No one has the answers. I feel more alone than ever. Everyone is so tired of this circular life path they, having removed themselves off the roller coaster for now, offer support in other ways from afar. Others avoid it altogether. It is in the back of their mind, but will not be their life.
I get it. There is no obligation for the family to be involved. I appreciate their prayers and ears when I need to talk; I know they would listen to my daughter at any hour, too. She just does not want to reach out.
This has been a long day, and one I hope to forget soon. I know that is not the answer- but some days it just seems to be easier to wish such foolish things, if even for a brief second.