I have just had two of the best days, one after the other. While I was busy laughing, smiling, talking, and living through each moment of those best days, I was also thinking in my head,
“What is going to happen to mess this up?”
Because the reality is that is the way it has gone for me. I do not blame anyone for that, but I do accept it has been my reality. I have to own that I fear, literally fear, the good days. I do not want them to end, and I do not want to enjoy them too much. Fear is a disgusting and poor excuse to be absent from life, even if it is the life we know.
I began Authentic Truths four years ago. Four years of writing bits and pieces of my living and breathing authentic life- yet, for the most part, it was my authentic past, or other’s authentic lives that were intertwined with mine, pulling me into their journey far more than I was truly living within my own. Then a while back, I began to realize that my life was steaming ahead without me. My days of living in the outside spiral of those other’s lives was fast spiraling further and further from their center. Those ‘others’ were mostly my children. One by one, their lives, their spirals, and my presence changed. They have their own lives and I am just a small part of it, perhaps much smaller than I ever realized.
This…is ok. This is how it goes. I get it.
I tried to reach into myself to pull out my story, to share the genuine truth of exactly where I was at the time- which was mostly lost. Then life happened, their spirals became a little tighter, pulling me back in a little closer, and I lost sight of me, yet again.
I am not sure if any of this makes sense- I know I live in a confused inner world all my own most of the time. A world where my best friend is the only one who gets the things that come out of my mouth.
But..I am going to try this again. I am going to forge the memories in writing. I am tired of forgetting about me. If yesterday was a good day, and today was a good day, can I expect the same of tomorrow and the next day, and the next…and the next?
Why do I laugh in the face of fear in most any arena, except my own?
It is time for change.