It’s only Tuesday, but this week..ugh.
I’m trying so hard to stay right here, in the calm, and the normal. Not to low, not to high.
I feel myself jumping through both though. And it’s a hard fight.
Stress has truly exhausted me. I am upset by this. For a couple years now, I’ve aimed to combat and win the battle in my mind. I have worked so hard to take control of my thinking. Some days are good and some are bad.
As the past weeks played out, I found myself resorting to pretend smiles, pretend laughter, pretend being. Not all moments, but the majority of my days shrouded in some false haze.
This frustrates someone like me. I don’t want to wear a mask to push through life. I certainly don’t want to wear many. However, this is my reality.
I have a full time job. There is no option but to throw on the days attire, a mask beautifully colored in with a smile. The ‘work’ me has done well. I give myself a pat on the back. This is one avenue we must take to function. If a temporary mask is my suit, so be it.
The ‘evening’ me is simply exhausted. I wear no mask, I only wear my true face. The one that gives away my secrets-dark circles under my eyes, permanent sadness scribbled around my lips. There are many days I couldn’t deny the truth if I tried. Luckily, I have no need to hide anything. Love greets me at home and knows me well.
I take Jesus everywhere with me. I know I can’t afford not to. He keeps me sane in the midst of the insanity. Jesus interrupts my thoughts in love and understanding. He urges me to read his Word. He fills me with insight and destroys the evil ones attempts at destroying me.
You see, this is being a bipolar Christian. This is the battle, and He is our armor. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. This is not just a verse in an old book. This is my life song. .The theme of my days. .The sticky note stuck on the beat of my heart.
You won’t find me curled up in a corner right now. Though I wish for the seclusion and safety. Then, I realize that wish is futile.
There’s no safer place than in the presence of my Lord. He wins every time. I can’t fight it, He won’t let me.