Bipolar Life -The Journal #76, Maintain

My last journal was June 12. When this pandemic hit, something changed in me. The inspiration that usually floods my mind has remained silent. Gone are the hopeful thoughts, or any thoughts. Where did the inner me go?

I imagine I closed off my creativeness when I felt trapped in my own life. While I eventually began to enjoy being alive again, the very pieces that once were my whole have drifted apart. The sections that remain are close, but disconnected. A truth that I own and accept with little understanding.

Perhaps I began this paralyzing journey before the pandemic. I wonder if a small part of me died the day I found my daughter unresponsive. Is there more to my silence after hearing, “Why didn’t you let me die?”

I felt a breath escape that day that carried more than dirty air. The faint release that followed her words was a goodbye. My farewell to feeling. If my child could ask me that question, I believed my existence was unnecessary. The truth is, the trauma of finding your child in the midst of suicide is more than I can overcome.

Here we are, five months later, and she is doing remarkably well. She is figuring life out and succeeding with each tiny step. Then there’s me. I remain disabled by the events of 2020. I wrote about them all, and felt free doing so. Then without warning, I disappeared.

I feel myself fade and reemerge, then disappear again. The steady has dissolved. I know it, but have no answer to correct the spiral. I am left wondering what comes next and how do I get there.

Jesus is here. In my pain, He listens and waits, but never leaves. Is he waiting for me to listen? Have I given up and don’t know it? With no answers, I remember one truth- Satan will not rest. He pulls with a wicked strength to take me away from God. I may be lost, but I’m lost with Jesus.

How are you doing?

What is on your mind?

Holding on,

Lisa @ authentictruths.com

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