I no longer speak a language.
Feeling disconnected, I decided to retake the Five Love Languages quiz. It’s been 15 years since I took the helpful quiz. Things have changed since then, both in and outwardly. I feel lost and far away from feelings (if that makes sense).
As I made my selection of which description meant more to me, I found myself disliking both options. Neither of their examples said anything to me. No, I don’t want small gifts or time away. Receiving compliments is uncomfortable for me. Physical touch is not my thing. However, vacuuming when I’m busy sounds fantastic.
Acts of service was my highest score. Coming in second was Quality time. I assume the choice I made that said, ‘You appreciate someone’s full attention and for them to put down their cell phone.’ My guess is we would all choose that one no matter the second option.
I have taken five of the tests since yesterday. I can confirm it was challenging to pick an answer for half the questions.
I do not speak a love language.
The years I’ve spent separating from my emotions and feelings have taken a toll. I’ve known this for a while. Life disappointments created a builder in me. The walls I erected are a problem. I used to fear life, so I built barriers to protect my heart. Now, I fear my heart. I’m no longer keeping others out; I work to keep myself out.
I desire physical touch and intimacy, but I am happy sitting alone with my dog. I enjoy small gifts but feel guilty if I receive them. It is the same when someone does anything to help me- I just feel regretful for not doing it myself. Knowing someone appreciates something I do is meaningful, but don’t compliment me. I enjoy quality time, but rather spend it with myself.
I am a confusing mess.
Who am I? Is this a midlife crisis no one discusses? I never intended to lose myself as I found myself, but I believe that’s what happened. I gained insight into one part of me while losing the other.
Welcome to this robotic life I am living. Each response is calculated and intentional. If no one else knows, I know. In keeping my distance, I’ve carved a canyon between myself and intimate connection of any kind.
At this moment, I have no answers to remedy the apparent issues. I am only grateful for the internal dialogue taking place. Is it possible to change from this rigid stance to a softer, more open position? I guess I’ll find out.
Let’s see if I can learn a new language. The crazy thing is, I already speak it, embracing it is the goal. It is okay to feel again. I permit myself to do so.