There are days you withdraw from the fight. You feel the fatigue, anxiety, and descent into that pit.
You wonder if this is it.
“Have I hit the point of no return?”
You start pulling back from people, social engagements, and yourself. And that part is the secret no one realizes; you’re pulling back from yourself. It is a plane of lost identity and loss of emotion, care, and motivation. When you step back, you are bottom-heavy. Step forward, the weight rides the top. Equilibrium shifts and balance is unattainable.
You blink, and your thoughts have cycled from positive to negative. You sit alone, confused by this change. You look in the mirror and whisper, “Where did I go, ” into the face of a stranger.
You don’t know what tomorrow brings. You are unsure if you are up for another day or hour. You think you have no feelings, but you begin to feel scared. What many in the outside world don’t know, this is a fear of living more than one of dying. They will never understand.
While you exist, you lose interest in living. Those around you, in your immediate circle, go on with life. Some are angry for your changed attitude, others are entirely oblivious, which you prefer because then your smile will suffice.
No one asks, “How are you?”
No one checks in, or steps in to help.
They are so used to your fantastic ability and strength, and it never occurs to them; you’re running on empty. Not empty of energy, but devoid in spirit, hope, faith, life.
That is how it happens. The slow unpacking of a broken soul. Where the beat of a heart doesn’t indicate life, but a life undone. When hopelessness is no longer a thought or feeling, but a destination. It is the darkest place you go.
What comes next is undetermined and unknown. It is unique to each individual and their personal choice. Some will land in the barren place and find the light. Others may wander and explore until you discover the light. Some will begin to enjoy the dark and make it their home.
This isn’t a happy ending story. This is a real one.