Bipolar Life- The Journal #35

<unedited, authentic>

Today is July 13, 2019. I celebrated a birthday on Monday of this week. I had no feelings either way about gaining another year. My health has improved following neck surgery. My mental health has been maintained through difficulty. After receiving guardianship of my two grandchildren, I had my ups and downs relating to the situation. They kept me going, smiling, and learning every single day. When they went home, I suffered a strange feeling of loss.

My own kids are now full grown. I have questioned myself on numerous occasions. I know I loved them well, even when they hated me and my methods, but I am not sure I ‘raised’ them well. This could be confusing to others. I am positive I could have done a few things different, better. I also admit my weakness in my mental health while trying to raise four kids. While I experienced bipolar disorder as a child, I went undiagnosed until my 20’s. I guess people thought I was a rebellious kid in the crazy choices I made in my teen years? I don’t know, but no one seemed to pick up on the fact that my choices were completely out of character for me.

I was my own interventionist when things got out of control in my adulthood. I knew there had to be more than depression or this crazy alter ego of ‘sex, drugs, (though there was never drugs for me) and rock n roll’ I was living. I began the road to figuring myself out and made some drastic changes in my thinking. Perfection does not exist, but through Christ, I learned to live life in a way that creates self-tolerance for my broken mind, self-awareness for who I am (and no, that is not a bipolar woman, but a woman with bipolar. I repeat this often), and self-acceptance for the complete person God put on this earth.

My year’s leading to this point are as colorful as the next persons. I live a diversified life that embraces today, considers the big and small pieces, loves others, desires to be kind, giving, honest, and loving. I struggle with my health, weight, and yes, thoughts. I remind myself to stay focused and forward thinking. If I can help, I do. I remain encouraging, uplifting, and inspired by those around me. I strive to stay humble and express an attitude of humility. I work to keep my anger and negativity in check, just like everyone else.

This is life. I feel good. I know there is more growth in the years ahead, and I have no fear to tackle them. I don’t cuss, but if I did, I was call myself a bada$$. I am tough and carry a soft heart for others. This used to bulldoze me, but I no longer allow that to happen. I am strong and create boundaries for my safety, God has brought me to a place of comfort in Him and in myself. My expectations have been crushed. This life in Jesus Christ is amazing, and more than I ever imagined. This is freedom.

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