“..and sin, when it is full grown, gives birth to death.” (James 1:15b)
I am sitting here with little work to do, so I am listening and reading along to the Bible. My neck is sore from surgery, so I am laying my head back on the tall desk chair. I more than likely look more comfortable than I am supposed to be.
I moved back to Colorado eight years ago. I began my childish temper tantrum before we made the cross-country trek, and honestly, I extinguished outward flames of anger years ago, but internally, I have struggled. I never wanted to move back here.
When we had to pack up and head west, I left a piece of my heart in the deep south. I refused to bring with me what God had so perfectly grown within me during our short few years there. I convinced myself I could not be in Colorado who God had groomed me to be in Florida. Everything changed. For this, I feel great remorse and regret.
“Praise God in the good times, and we praise God in the bad.” My son and I used to watch “Facing the Giants”, an incredible inspirational film about a coach trying to overcome a few losing seasons, and learning that if He kept God where he was supposed to be, God could move mountains. The coach and the team would grow and that quote was their theme.
I have encountered bad often over the past several years. Some days, I praise the Lord, others, I never even notice Him there. I realize Satan has one goal, to separate us from God. He has worked overtime in many ways to use those around me to crush my praising spirit, and to put a halt to an advancing relationship with the Lord. I suppose He won an inch here and there, but even in the worst of my days, my only prayer remained, “Jesus, I still believe in you.”
I flash back and forth through my memories. I count myself blessed that the Lord would even consider me. My younger years, when I had yet to meet Jesus, oh the sin, it sits in my mind like a heap of dirt in a field. He forgets, but I struggle. Even the life I have led after haunts me. The mystery of His ever-present, all knowing, forgiving love is hard some times. I find myself swirling in the mess of sin from my past when He reaches in and grabs the pieces of my broken self, holding each part gently, until the swirling stops, and the peace overcomes.
Satan desires for us to sit there and suffer in silence. He watches and waits to pounce through the fragility of our shame. The cycle we create by not letting go when Jesus tells us to, is harmful. Just as continuing in your sin is harmful. Not letting go of the sinful behavior, and not letting go of your shame after repentance, is similar. Both hold you prisoner; both make something else more powerful than God is in your life.
Let it go my friend. Jesus came to set the captive free.