Addiction Sucks (& Bipolar Life)- The Journal, #7

For so long I have been moving in fear. Fear of the potential outcome I wasn’t sure how to handle or face, the truth I didn’t want to verbalize, and the heart break I didn’t want to confront.

Yesterday, as my loved one attempted suicide, I had no choice but to finally face my fear and to be strong enough to step forward in faith of the unknown. I had no answers about how today would look. That one step in faith lifted this incredible weight from my shoulders; a weight I knew darn well I had been carrying around for some time, but did not want to admit had over burdened my soul.

I barely closed my eyes in sleep last night. There were no tears, no words, and barely even thoughts as the events of the day played out. I was full of anger and a pain so deep it surpassed emotion. The well had run dry, the barrel of words, now empty, hasn’t replenished.

My heart aches for one of the greatest loves of my life, my own daughter.

I have hidden behind positivity in hopes change would find it’s way into her mind and heart. I have rallied with encouraging words in memes, coded in secrecy and foolishly thinking no one out there knew.

Lo and behold, I remain the fool.

Then, like crystal waters betraying the deepest depths of the sea, everything became clear and letting go of the battle I could never fight, because it is not my battle, became easy. You can not turn your back, but you can change your mind. You can comprehend that this is not your reality or your fight. You are merely a bystander, so emotionally drawn into the dramatic scene in front of you that it feels like you are waging the war. In truth, you are not.

You are still seated in the visitors section, with no voice, no audience, and no war.

I am left exhausted. This day, labeled number one, was a success. God planned the way for the right circumstances, the right people, the right mentality, and broke through the gates of a bondage I wasn’t even aware existed.

Her battle. Her war. Her change.

My sanity remains intact though I began to wonder just over a week ago. My chain of fear is broken and now blown away like loose dust, slowly disappearing in the shadows. I feel hurt, and it is okay. I feel anger, this too, is okay. I feel many things, but those feelings no longer control me. Feelings are no longer sitting on my chest and restricting my breathing. The anxiety is at rest. I am scared in a different way, but I do not fear what is ahead- for wherever I am, God will lead me through it.

I can only fight for me, for the innocent, and for Jesus. I am strong enough.

<Unedited, authentic thoughts>

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