I have realized over the last couple of days that I have struggled more than I realized over the last few months. I have been forgetful and probably more depressed than I cared to admit. As I begin to pick back up and find my balance, once again, I wonder how noticeable this was to those around me.
Hiding what was truly going on has always been easy for me. As a younger person, I am not real sure people in my circle really paid attention. I could put a smile on my face and be bright and cheery. I kept the struggles hidden behind closed doors, alone. Cleverly hidden within depression, I was a busy mother. Then one day, a dreaded day, the depression I experienced could not be hidden. For the first time ever, I just let myself be. If I cried, I cried. If I did not socialize, I did not socialize. My church family was a wonderful support. I did the best I could, and kept going.
Over the last few years, I have retreated into my internal safe zone. I become quiet; my thoughts seem to run rampant between the past and the future. Fear creeps in, so I stay in the Word. My Bible, audio or print, is my life raft, as it should be in desperate times of darkness. While I have managed the struggle, what I would consider valiantly, I know things could be better. I am not one for medication, but these days, I wonder if it may help. I believe we all make our choice in this matter, and for me, I have coped using different techniques and methods. It is not always pretty, but for well over 10 years now, I have made it.
And today.. well, what now.
You see I am not in the deepest pits of depression, in fact, I can feel a little bit of manic creeping in. Just yesterday, as I spat words out at a hundred miles per hour, I began to get worried. My mania frightens me far more than my depression. It has a way of shutting down my good senses and I have a way of giving way to that chemical imbalance, so I have to be careful, taking great care to know myself, in every moment.
Today I thank God.
He is here with me, right now. As I play a game of tug of war in my mind, He’s there to remind me I am not alone, I am not an incapable person. He has lifted me in times of great distress, just as he did the great storytellers of the Bible, just as He does the fallen, the lost, the confused, and the angry. He is able to lift us all only when we honestly choose to surrender and allow him to do so.
Today, I choose surrender. As I have many times, I lay it down, and I let it go.