Bipolar Life-The Journal, #5

A fourth grader walked up to me today and in all honesty, and pure sweetness remarked,

“You look really tired today Mrs. Lisa”.

<Pause for dramatic effect>

I am still piercing my lips to the side trying to respond three hours later. All I could say at the time, with a smile hiding my dislike for this little human, “I am tired.” I have thrown a tantrum under my breath at the audacity of this kid being so honest. As the saying goes, it is what it is (my least favorite phrase right there). Out of the mouths of babes is a real struggle for some of us.

I woke up feeling a bit more pep in my step than I have in days, but still I see what he sees, and I know what he sees, too. I am putting every ounce of energy into improving this power shut down making its way through my body. I will not lie, this feels like a marathon I never prepared for. Not only am I 20 pounds overweight, but I am carrying an extra 20 pounds hanging over my neck and shoulders. I may have woke up one way, but the collapse that is becoming normal for me hit early today. This is a part of depression that I cannot fix. Nope, no diet that helps ease the crash I go through- and I do not even drink coffee! This crash has nothing to do with food or exercise. The crash has everything to do with a broken mind, broken spirit, and broken heart.

Through most of my depressive states, I have been able to pick up and carry on bold and strong. When I saw an end in sight and life calmed down. It appeared the chaos from the tornado that swept through had cleared. Yet, something is very different this time. I have been unable to trust that the tornado has lifted; thus, it is hard to enter the ‘ok, carry on’ stage of healing. Every day my anxiety rears itself and I stumble through thought control. I am tired of being flung around my life in the battles of others. Unfortunately, I have no way of stopping the flinging, there is too much at stake.

Here we are. Each of us is fighting some invisible battle that many in our lives have no idea we fight. I know I am not the only one in this place. Though I am so sorry if you are in the same battle, but I have to say it is encouraging to know someone else out there is here too.

I can hear the loud whistle of a train going by down the road, and the rumble as it speeds through town. Some days my life is that train, rolling past me at such incredible speed I will never be able to keep up. I would much rather be so engaged in life that I am on the train. You know, loving life with my hair flying behind with the wind in my face and a smile from ear to ear. I have experienced that, and it is exactly what I desire now.

There is only one person who can make that happen- it is time to take me back. I know I can, I know I will.

<unedited, authentic thoughts>

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