Bipolar Life- The Journal #4

My days have faltered between tired and exhausted. This is my normal, so I am not concerned. When I am attacked from every direction-mentally, physically, and spiritually I typically live right where I currently am. It may not be pleasant, but at least it is familiar, and I can work with familiar.

I have watched time pass by and I acknowledge I am barely moving with it. I have a vacation coming soon, so I am hoping to be renewed, replenished and invigorated once again. Even my vacation struggles to lift the spirits when in the back of my mind creeps in a mischievous thought- we always return to reality. I can only pray I will find my smile again. (not the fake one, but the one I desire to wear on a more permanent basis) Try as I might, I have yet to move this frown, even I am irritated by it.

This is functioning depression. I wake up, get ready, do what needs to be done, go to work, to my engagements and then go to bed and repeat. I am getting by I suppose. For that I am thankful to God, only by His grace and strength do I keep going. It is His amazing gift of love that has the distinct capabilities of reaching into the most depressed soul and removing just enough of the darkness to create a shadow.

I will get through this. One day at a time, one moment at a time. I will not be overcome by this. I have fought and won much harder circumstances. I think the downtrodden mentality comes when you love someone so much you give them everything. Eventually, there is no more to give, and that is the point you start again. I have emptied myself in the fight for the one I love, I am not certain that my tank holds the same amount of fuel it used to. It does not seem to take much anymore to find myself on ‘E’.

Rolling up to the pump now, I may barely make it, but I promise I will coast in if I have to.

<unedited, authentic thoughts>

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