To say what I want to say, in the calm and rational way I intended to say it, is what I call, a small success. I could applaud the ministry program I am currently in for opening my eyes to being assertive in situations that require it, in the past I failed to do so.
On the other hand, I could call it life fatigue. You know, when you have experienced more than your share and you collapse in a mental exhaustion, where you just say the words, because you are too tired not to.
Whatever it is, it feels good. I am here now wondering how I lived 40 something years without this strength, without this knowledge and power. How was I capable in many areas of my life, but not in others?
Part of the problem was living many years with having a voice that never mattered. Feeling the pressure to keep quiet, keep things to myself, hold the secrets in, tightly sealed in the deep holes of my heart and mind.
Another problem is feeling overwhelmed by my own life choices. Choices I made, with consequences that are on me. Overwhelmed wives, mothers, daughters, sisters, employees, can both rise and fall depending on their current state of mind, support, attitude, ability and trust.
This is who I am. I am a Christian, who has succeeded and failed. I have been a Christian now for near half of my life. I have survived, overcome, cried, cheered, laughed, and loved. I am still learning, and in fact, I always will be.
I have gained more in depth knowledge of who I am in the last couple of years, than I have in the last two decades. I chose to trust God. I chose to love unconditionally- sometimes from afar. I chose to pray more than complain, or judge, or be angry.
I will not continue to feel beat up by a past that hurt me, ridiculed me, took advantage of me, shamed me, and tossed me away. I will not hold back the gentle truth, no matter how harsh it is. I will not give up on people simply because they choose to give up on me. I will not be that person.
I will be strong, loving, kind, and caring. I will be honest and true, authentic to the core. I will be focused, quiet, and sincere. I will be the beautiful and forgiven daughter of a King. I will do all I can to be His Son to you. I will be…
Living is so much more than taking a breath, combing my hair and heading out to work. Living is so much more than being here.
Living is being who He calls me to be, living the way He asks me to live, and loving the way He loves me.
Living is not holding on, but daily letting go.
Living is truly about surrendering.
“I can do all things through him who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:13