I’ve been ill most of the week with some sinus, ear, throat combo, but I’ve had many ideas and other stuff come across my path. I feel pulled in a million directions to stand up and speak out for every single item, too.
However, this week all I could muster were prayers and agreements. I don’t want to be so caught up that I lose sight of me. I wish I had enough pieces to give away to every need and cause out there, but I don’t. They don’t exist.
At the end of the day, my power comes from my story in Christ Jesus. My story comes from my experiences, unique to my journey. I can’t lose myself in fired up debates, or social media sharing wars, or any other details far removed from ‘my’ truth- the truth I have openly discussed here on this page.
Bipolar Disorder- the ups and downs, or the mania and depression.
Being pulled in either direction means personality traits that typically stay hidden away in this bipolar mind, will present themselves. Typically in the most inopportune, irresponsible, and inconceivable ways and times. This is why we step back and care for ourselves. That important step in health may save us agony in the future.
This is my brain. We don’t always speak the same language, or remain on the same level of sanity. I often watch from some outward suspension in time as that inner being escapes, and my reality turns into chaos. The chains holding me in one spot, as I helplessly watch my own being self destruct, can only be broken when I am fully aware and cognizant in my own life.
Depression has a way of separating the two- the me who reasons and the me who leaps, unprotected, into the danger zone. Once the distance is perfectly made, mania jumps out like the unscrupulous villian it is.
It’s a fine balance I’ve tumbled through for years. Some days I’m the puppet master, other days I’m merely tied too strings of uncertainty.
The bottom line is simply to stay engaged enough to care about myself, and pull the strings the Lord guides me to control.