Someone asked me the other day, if I could go back and change anything, what would it be?
I sit here still pondering this complex question. My thoughts have wavered in and out of my childhood, my adolescence, my young adult years, my grown up life, and I cannot determine what I would change. How many times in the midst of turmoil, did I long for peace? How many nights did I cry, praying for something to be different?
My kids have grown now, all of them. One remains living at home, as he decides what comes next. The others are off and running through their own maze of adulthood. They have married, have children, and bought their own homes. We made it through as parent and child, and for that, I am thankful. It was not always pretty. This is life.
While I was busy circling the merry go round of parenthood, my marriage had been surviving the turbulence of the roller coaster. We had good years and bad years. We had close years and distant years. All intertwined in this intricately built house of cards. There were definitely times that if we had blown lightly on one card, everything would have collapsed. By the grace and love of God, we made it through to this point. It was not pretty. This is life.
Still, while I was riding the merry go round and enduring the thrashing about on the roller coaster, there was this thing called career- perhaps the most frustrating voyage in my journey. I set foot on that raft. I swirled around, holding on to something in the middle. I justifiably cringed as the waterfalls of defeat soaked me. On the other hand, I sat comfortably over on the dry side as my co-workers, or friends, were dripping from the bombardment with shooting streams of uncertainty from cannons above. It was not pretty. This is life.
I do not know what I would change if I could. I do not know if anything about the chaos was unique. The more I share and listen to others, the more I find I am not alone. Life was never easy. Honestly, many days, life sucked. I did not want to be where I was in that moment, especially in my childhood. I certainly prayed and cried myself to sleep many a night, just to wake up and find myself on the same ride.
What I have observed in this world convinces me we all have a story. Though their life looks more desirable, you do not know what went on behind closed doors. I know that my personal choices set me up for some of those chaotic rides I survived. I cannot envision the woman I would be without the footprints of my past.
Therefore, I guess my conclusion to what I would change more than anything is my own heart. I know I could have been a better person on multiple occasions. In this being my answer, there is a pathway to see changes in my lifetime. Not of any specific event in the past, but change of my current self. To see growth in my ability to ride the amusement park of life as a beautiful, loved child of God.