I have run out of steam. The last month has emptied every part of my being. I have tried to carry on as normal as I could, but it is becoming increasingly more difficult to hide behind a sweet smile and pretend “I can do this.”
What amazes me more than anything is the fact that those who contribute to the depression have no clue that they have instigated my drastic mental free fall. This time something was different. That I have to refer to ‘this time’ is depressing in itself. For those of us who live with a mental disorder, this is the way it is.
There will always be a ‘this time’, it will not go away, unfortunately, there is no cure.
And.. my ‘this time’ is what I write about today.
I have heard of anxiety. I have even dealt with it once when they mistreated me with Prozac. I knew about heart races that knocked me off my feet and sudden sweats. That was the extent of my past anxiety. However, this time it was escalated.
Fear had enveloped me, and that fear kept me up day and night. My mind refused to shut off, my entire body shook. I could not eat, and then I ate too much. Some days I just sat in one place for hours, staring blankly at a flashing T.V screen. I withdrew into something beyond myself. It was more like nothingness.
I still went to work, though the days were rough, and I found myself apologizing on more than one occasion. I tried to keep the meals flowing for the family, and I tried with all my might to stay checked in to reality, but fear, I never actually arrived.
As the last month went on, I began talking myself back in to existence. I have to praise myself, as I drifted in and out of a depressive state, ‘this time’ the suicidal thoughts never happened. Score for me! Sleep has returned, though now I may be indulging a little too much. I am still lacking motivation, but I am trying. Trying is all I can do.
People do not know the real me. Even those who I try to talk to, do not know the real me. I am at a crossroads of sorts. For over a year, I have tried to release so much and get back to what I once ‘thought’ was the real me, turns out, or at least appears, that girl is gone. THIS is the real me.
I have bipolar disorder. I am chaos at best, and a wrecking ball of UPS and DOWNS at my worst.
No one knows what the ups look like, and they are without any doubt, my biggest fear. People think they know me when I am down, but I’ve fooled them. I have never fully revealed the depths of depression that cause me to sink. Maybe, one day, I will share that with my world. For now, I am just trying to maintain a sanity somewhere in the range of above the lowest and below the highest.
Today, I carry on. The internal hostage crisis on the inside is now over. I can slowly begin the process of the climb. I wish it was not this way, I wish I was different.
I stand on one belief, that who I am right now, in this moment, is still, and will always be, a deeply loved child of God above.