A year ago I shared this on my private storyline.
There is no hidden meaning as you can see. After multiple years of living in their addiction, I realized I was mobilizing to fight for them, but I was armed with feelings and emotions.
I came to find my soft approach did nothing for them or myself in surviving addiction.
If we can’t lead with truth, facts, reality, whatever you want to call it, then we won’t lead at all. Choosing to step back and live the reality of addiction opened my eyes. Once I moved the switch in my feelings and emotions, the perspective changed.
It was like I turned the light on while turning the darkness off. I was so jaded and manipulated by substance use, I lost sight of knowing what I know.
I was never the savior, medic, therapist, or pastor my kids needed. I was not called to that role. Fulfilling their everything was not my purpose. I had to let go. That’s when I found freedom from addiction and became reacquainted with my freedom in Christ Jesus. Funny, his freedom doesn’t feel like imprisonment.
While I couldn’t fulfill any resources for my children, their lives spent using were emptying me. I had to make a difficult choice, one that still hurts today.
I never turned off feeling, just reacting and responding by my feelings. My momma heart fights my recovery thriving brain most days. I’ve learned enough to know the deception in false hope that points some magic finger at me. I hear the words in my mind,
“YOU have to do something.”
“YOU have to fix everything.”
“YOU have abandoned your child.”
“YOU. YOU. YOU.”
Satan longs for me to disobey God, who has instructed me,
“Get out of my way.”
Is that for their protection or my own? Only He knows. My job is to trust and obey.
He put that switch in front of me to see what I would do. So far, I’ve not switched it back in order to impose my will on a situation I don’t own.
I’ve felt every emotion there is in the last year. I learned feelings don’t dictate anything but feelings.
Someone out there is holding onto the wrong side tonight. Your thread is gripping their addiction as your own. It is time to snip the line and heal. For you.