Lost & Found- The Art of Selfishness

Human nature. It is a description of characteristics on thinking, feeling, and behaving, a phrase, and often an excuse for bad behavior. Today, I am leaning into the excuse part.

I have a battered past. Both colorful and very black and white, it defines the road that made me who I am today. By my account, I am very responsive to others. While I am not one to focus on feelings as much as I do facts in a situation, I empathize with the hurting. I am an encourager who tends to see the best in people. I have an almost flighty hope for humankind, even the darkest of humanity.

While my relationship standards for others is high, I realize my optimism filters further into a naive hopefulness at times.

Today is one of those days.

From early on, I was abused. And this abuse was rampant for many years of my childhood. Details remain behind mindful lock and key, but haunt me from time to time. A couple of years ago, this haunting felt more like reality than things of faint nightmares. I found myself distancing from situations and people. Sadly, for reasons beyond me, certain people within the memories chose to distance themselves from me.

I never aim to play a victim. Though, as a child, I was the victim. I never use the past abuse to justify my behaviors or choices; however, my bipolar is a direct result of my beaten mental health through the abuse. I do not hold ill will toward those who knew or expect anything in return for the pain inflicted, not even my abuser.

I moved on and took the pain and disappointment with me. This is a flaw. I have done it my entire life. It leads to being taken advantage of and watching others stomp on my heart. I sit idle as people never take responsibility, make themselves out to be the more prominent victim, or find a way to blame others for their mistakes.

Is human selfishness a distinct part of fight or flight? Is it justifiable to protect one’s presence by negating the pain inflicted on others? Is greed colorblind to truth and deaf to reason?

Tonight, I ask these questions. I send them out to a universe that laughs and enjoys the chaos and fuss of discontent. A child begins life with words like ‘mine’ or ‘me.’ With discipline, they grow in knowledge and ability to think of others first. Do some people stay in this childlike state forever? Even though we witness a giving heart and mentality, will the selfish, childish instinct be summoned? And when it is, is it a fighting mechanism?

I am thankful for who I am. A forgiving, and caring person. I often times push aside my best interest to help others. I love beyond expectation and pride myself in being the first to make amends, never hold a grudge, and to be an unconditional lover of all. I give thanks to certain people who taught me selfless love, but above all, to Jesus Christ who set the ultimate example. If you need encouragement, that’s who you turn to.

Hurting today, healing tonight.

One minute at a time.


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