Lost & Found- My Flaw, My Anger

Finding me after the storm.

I began Lost and Found a few years ago. The sudden fear of my last child reaching adulthood brought on the idea. Life happening since created a pause. New Year’s has come and gone, months ago, and it meant nothing to me. In my world, today is my new year. Change is on my doorstep staring me in the face, giving me a tight hug, and walking away.

Truth is I remain lost in many ways, while the only part I claim found is within my faith. No matter the condition of my mental health or circumstances, faith carries me to the other side, in the best and worst times. It is the reliable gift that only I can initiate, and maintain.

The unfortunate side effect of high doses of stress is the frequent mood swings. While I have a laundry list of personal goals and changes, alleviating this perpetual hold anger has over me is at the top of the list. Anger is new to me. I would be justified to have been an angry person throughout my life, yet I never allowed this flaw to enter my mind. Anger seemed counter to who I wanted to be. Desperate for peace and clarity, anger was the wall that would only keep them out.

Here I sit, listening to the washer machine on spin cycle, the TV in the background, and my youngest son hollering at his live video game. Outside, my husband is working on installing a new pond. At my feet, two of the most loyal friends a woman can have, my dogs. Then, there is me. I am the wife that has gotten on his last nerve, the mother who asks to many questions, the distant sister, the isolated churchgoer, and the quirky employee who hides behind a forced smile and genuine respect for all around her. I am lost in every way this world requires us to be sure.

I have never been good at hiding my feelings. I still suck at it. My face betrays me every time. If you ask if I am happy, and I attempt to smile and say of course, the truth, written on my face, will speak louder than my lies. So please don’t ask. I am lost in the crevices of life right now. While I attempt to climb out, I will have to be angry, and you will have to deal with it. It may be unattractive, but I have other redeeming qualities, so focus on those. Please give me the time I need and the space I crave. I may be lost right now, but this is temporary. One day soon, lost will be replaced with found.

..for those who deserve more than I can give right now.

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