Bipolar Life- The Journal, #20

There is an internal conflict brewing deep inside. As the mental storm brutally battered my being, I rode the waves of emotion up and down, and now here I am. The mental seas have calmed down, and I am simply in the middle, floating along.  I often find myself staring out into the beautiful blue. Still, the conflict is there.

I live in positive hope. It is what gets me through, and how I have survived. I know what it is to experience hopelessness, and desire nothing but death. That place is dark and eerily silent. In the realm of being hopeless, even thoughts begin to retreat. I have not been there in decades, and I have no plans to return. I will never forget that empty and debilitating feeling. I will do all I can to never reside there again.

I am struggling in the battle to stay positive and hopeful. I feel the whirlwind of conflict circling around inside. I am sitting peaceful in the calm seas for now, but I remain wrestling in this- I feel nothing.  It is a different emptiness. This is not hopelessness, it is hopeful healing, sitting stagnant. Perhaps floating in the vast nothingness for a short time will give me time to reflect, discern, and simply listen.

I want to keep writing, but confessing seems to have shut down my inspiration. I tell people who are fighting through life struggles to take one day at a time, nothing more, nothing less. Therefore, for today, this is it. My words are few, but speak mightily to my own soul and well-being.

I am fine with this. In fact, I embrace it.

(authentic, unedited)


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