Winter is a hard time for me, and everything from my mood to my metabolism and energy seems to respond negatively to cold, short days. I have battled seasonal depression for years, and I must intentionally keep myself above the waves of emotional mess.
Planting the Word of God in our hearts forecasts what will be and ultimately changes our lives, for what is in our heart will be in our mind. Reading, knowing, and applying the truth of God to every part of our being is a recipe for greatness and godliness in a fallen world.
...Unfortunately, every night became a haunted nightmare, and to survive, I closed my eyes and flew away. With my baby sister in the bunk bed below me, I endured the torture, hopeful he would leave her alone. I would shed a tear in the darkness and whisper in my mind, "don't move… don't move..don't wake up…don't see.."
Depression is relentless. We struggle to overcome, and it fights to defeat us. The pursuit of our mind is that of a hunter and it's prey.
When I am bound by bipolar, I fear movement. I cast this unimaginable shadow over myself that darkens with each passing day. I proved this earlier this month when I looked out my office window and noticed the sun.
Why do I write and speak on the topic of mental health, namely bipolar disorder?
In January 2002, I accepted I have a chronic mental illness, and a journey began. I experienced a myriad of emotions at the time, such as anger, disappointment, fear, and a mild case of feeling sorry for myself!
I am sitting peaceful in the calm seas for now, but I remain wrestling in this- I feel nothing. It is a different emptiness. This is not hopelessness, it is hopeful healing, sitting stagnant.
Where was the good in abuse for over a decade as a child? Where was the good in watching my fiancée collapse from a cerebral hematoma and wake up out of a coma weeks later as though he was seven years old again? What was good about having bipolar disorder? I could keep going, but you get what I am saying. What was good about any of it? NOTHING!