There is darkness in information overload, constant debating turned confrontation and reading the barrage of opinions and rude remarks. We listen, unpack, then regurgitate it back to the masses. All the while, filling our thoughts with worldly nonsense in a brain not capable of holding more. Processing is a function that tires you out. If you don't prioritize your ideas, you will lose ground in mental clarity and stability.
Depression is relentless. We struggle to overcome, and it fights to defeat us. The pursuit of our mind is that of a hunter and it's prey.
When I am bound by bipolar, I fear movement. I cast this unimaginable shadow over myself that darkens with each passing day. I proved this earlier this month when I looked out my office window and noticed the sun.
Why do I write and speak on the topic of mental health, namely bipolar disorder?
In January 2002, I accepted I have a chronic mental illness, and a journey began. I experienced a myriad of emotions at the time, such as anger, disappointment, fear, and a mild case of feeling sorry for myself!
I am sitting peaceful in the calm seas for now, but I remain wrestling in this- I feel nothing. It is a different emptiness. This is not hopelessness, it is hopeful healing, sitting stagnant.
Where was the good in abuse for over a decade as a child? Where was the good in watching my fiancée collapse from a cerebral hematoma and wake up out of a coma weeks later as though he was seven years old again? What was good about having bipolar disorder? I could keep going, but you get what I am saying. What was good about any of it? NOTHING!