Current Situation-NOT FOUND!
I have not opened my laptop in days..and when I did, it opened right up to WordPress. I felt guilty enough by the lack of writing I have done over the last year, now my computer reminds me. It is not that I didn’t want to jot down a few things here and there. In fact, I have managed a few pieces. The lack of consistency is where I struggle.
What kept me from sitting here and putting something down in script? Life. I know that is too easy. Unfortunately, I have no other excuses. I have managed to share pieces here and there. As I look back, I realize I have held back. Not only do I hold back in writing, but I hold back in life as well. I comfortably sit on this coaster, for a long time, and it no longer fazes me in any way. My hands are not up in the air, flailing in excitement. No. They are crossed, and sitting on my chest. Gone is the smile and laughter, planted securely, a solid frown that never turns upside down.
I am battling addiction, and it is not even my own.
All year long, I have faced one punch after another. (Good Lord above, way longer than a year!) He knows. He has watched and seen the struggle. He knows the pain of my heart, the unspoken cry, and unshed tears of my soul. He knows. For this, I am facing a battle of my own- that awkward question, “Why God?”
I feel guilty saying it aloud. I am embarrassed. I am suffering from a lack of faith that I did not even know existed. I am ashamed that I am at odds with God right now. I have lived my life for over 20 years for the Lord. Since a friend introduced us, my life was His. When everything around me failed, He never did. Yet, here I sit today-confused, angry, silent. The perplexity of the situation is beyond my expertise. Trained to help people through hard times, I have no idea how to sit in the hard times.
Will I ever pray again? I ponder the deep level of love I once felt, and the superficial floating I now do. Where have I gone? Satan is using the power in another’s life to overcome me. I see it, but I have no tools to fight. I am too tired to pick up my accessories in faith and swing. I am weak. I know when we are in this place He is our strength. I am not feeling it right now. It sounds like some ‘woe is me pity party’. I am not looking for pity. In fact, I do not want a thing from anyone. I feel alone, and I am happy to sit in that place.
I wonder if I begin to write, will something click. Will the relief wash over me? Will anxiety that has lived in my heart for months now subside? Will the dark thoughts disappear? Is it possible that writing could offer a touch of therapy for the weary? If I speak in words on a screen, in silence, will I then hear the Lord again?
If I write, will I find my way back?